Swallowed by fear

I’m scared! Saturday (7.20) I woke up in so much pain that I couldn’t even think clearly. I snapped at my best friend. I yelled at the cat. I even cried so hard that it made me even angrier! It was a bad day. What I realized was that I was scared. My back went out – it goes out about once or twice a year if I’m not careful – well, I did a lot of yard work the day before and I think my body was saying “fuck you! Take a rest!” So, I did. At first, I was going to concentrate on my novel and write, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I wrote out my timeline for the detox.

 In less than a week, I will start drinking parsley tea to force contractions in my uterus. I kept asking myself, am I ready for this. And, my answer is, no … No, I am not ready! But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. I have a lot of fear about doing this. Am I going to be strong enough to do it? Am I going to stick with it for as long as I want? Am I going to have the support I need? Will I be stronger or weaker after it’s over – will it ever be over? I don’t know the answer to any of these. I have faith, however, that everything is going to be just fine. During the process, I may be sick, angry, sad, irritated, sore etc, but I need to do this!

Fear of the unknown is one thing that keeps presenting itself in my life right now. The coming year is going to be full of so much growth that I’m preparing for it this summer. But, I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared to see the outcome of the coming months. I’m afraid of how I will feel, going back to school and work. Many people don’t know I’m doing this and when I get back to school, I’m going to look different. I have no doubt I’m going to lose weight, which means I have to go shopping for new clothes. I don’t know. I’m focusing too much on the external shell my spirit is living in. I’ve never been about fashion and I’ve never been interested in name-brand stuff. I buy my clothes at thrift shops. I try to stay with earth tone solids as much as possible. Oh! I don’t know … I write this stuff down, but it doesn’t seem to really bother me as much as I thought. So what am I afraid of? If it’s not my external appearance, what am I afraid of?

This isn’t a diet. This is a lifestyle change. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to fulfill my goal plan? Can I encourage others to do what they want to do with their lives? It’s weird. I started talking about this about six months ago and now, I have three of my close friends also doing a cleanse of their own. They’re not going to the extreme that I’m doing, but they’re still doing a cleanse. I had a conversation with one of my friends who will do a lemonade cleanse and she’s worried about sticking to a healthy food intake instead of going back to junk food. After talking to her, I realized that the word diet suggests a short-term goal. So, of course when someone is done with the diet, they’ll go back to eating what they used to eat. That doesn’t work! If someone needs the diet to help them in the love run, they have to completely change their lifestyle.

By lifestyle, I mean their food intake. With changing the food intake, habits change. Instead of going through a fast food joint and picking up a hamburger, if someone wants a hamburger for dinner, maybe they can make it at home. Being aware of where all the products come from too, is important. Majority of people don’t know where their food comes from and those same people aren’t living a healthy life. I’m one of them. I’m not judging, I’m just stating what I know. I’ve been more mindful of it in recent years (like two years), but for the most part, my meals are unknown to me. I’ll be sure to buy products from local farms or Oregon grown products without GMO pesticides. I stay away from boxed foods. I don’t eat canned food anymore either. So, I’ve already changed my lifestyle. What I’m doing now will build off that lifestyle change already in action. What I’m doing now will prepare my body for healthier food. But I’m still scared!

The other day, I went out to dinner with my best friend and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. I loved it! The smell reminded me of my grandmother. She always used to melt butter with garlic, just to make the house smell good. Well, during that meal, I was mindful of all my bites. I paid close attention to how the muscles felt in my mouth. I felt every shrimp, clam and noodle that I put into my mouth. I remember the taste of fresh baked bread and oil and vinegar mixture. It was amazing food! I was saying goodbye to that food. I was saying goodbye to pasta, dairy products, breads and restaurant style eating. I don’t want to eat that stuff anymore. I don’t want to continually be sick because of the food I eat. I don’t want to feel tired all the time. I want to have more energy to do the things I want to do. I believe changing my food intake will, indeed, help me with all of that.

Pizza is another food I am going to miss, a lot! I eat pizza at least three times a month. I will buy a large pizza, which lasts me for at least 3 meals. Come to think about it, I have some pizza in my oven right now. I always get a Hawaiian pizza, but recently I’ve been switching it up and getting different styles of pizza. The one I got a few days ago was a chicken BBQ something or rather. It was so delicious. I said goodbye to it. Even though, I think I will probably get one more pizza before I start my cleanse/detox, I have been mindfully saying goodbye to many food items.

Cereal is another favorite food of mine. I will eat a bowl of cereal anytime of the week for any meal. But because I’m staying away from dairy as well as corporate cereals, I need to find something healthier. I have never tried almond milk or anything like that, so I am going to try that. I also know there is healthy cereal out there that I can eat, but I just haven’t researched it yet. So, maybe cereal won’t be something I miss. Instead, it’ll be something I change.

Oh yeah! I like that! Even with pizza, really. I can get thin crust or something and order it with no sauce. I can find things. Shit! Maybe I need to learn how to make my own pizzas. I know I want to cut out my breads and pastas, but I have no doubt I’m going to have cravings. If I have a slice of pizza once a month, I don’t see a problem with that. Nope!!! I can’t do that! I can’t sit here and justify something when I know it’ll make me sick. Why would I knowingly do that to myself? That’s like saying I will allow myself to smoke a cigarette once a month. No! When I stop smoking, I never want to pick up another cigarette again. I never want to use it as a crutch. I never want to buy another pack of smokes. I never want to taste the chemical sticks. They’re nasty and every time I’ve smoked in the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt sick afterward. So, why don’t I just quite? Well, I’m not ready. I want to finish out my summer course so I don’t over stress myself during finals week. I only have two more weeks of school (well, really one and a half weeks). So, I’ll be done soon. I want to stop smoking! I’m ready to stop …

 So much is going to be different and I’m afraid I won’t have the courage to follow through with this. I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue it once my cleanse is over. I’m afraid I’m going to binge eat and justify it somehow. I live alone. I do not have someone here who can regulate my food. I know that I’m capable of doing it by myself, but will I keep the strength throughout the entire time. I doubt it. I know there’s going to be a moment when I want to give up everything that I’m doing.

 OH! I forgot to mention this in my last blog, about my support group. Well, I’ve decided to reach out to about 6 of my close friends for support. They all know what I’m doing, but I feel I am going to be too weak and too stubborn to reach out to someone when I’m going through an emotional battle. So, what I did was email them and ask them to send me unmarked envelopes with letters of encouragement and support. I asked them to make me cry and/or laugh. I asked them to make it real, no matter what they choose to do. What I will do with the unmarked envelopes is put them into a nice basket with positive affirmations attached to it and leave the basket in my living room. So when I’m feeling sad or feel like giving up, I am going to open one of the envelopes to give me inspiration and courage to continue. I have no clue what these letters will say or who they will be by until I open them, and that’s important to me. It’s going to be fun. I think I’m also going to post on this blog ever time I open one.

Honestly, I think this blog is going to be one of my support crutches. I will be places and think about my readers. I don’t know any of you and I’ve never had a conversation with any of you. But I know you’re out there. I know you’re reading this. I appreciate that. Just knowing people are reading the struggles I’m going through gives me more courage to continue doing it. Seriously, not only am I showing myself that I can do it … I’m showing others that’s it possible. I’m showing others that it’s hard, but possible. I’m showing others that if they wanted to take things into their own hands and change their lifestyle, it can be done. I want everyone to know the struggles I went through so they can prepare accordingly to their own lifestyles. It gives me a reason outside of doing it for myself. I’m doing this for others too.

I pray that what I’m doing will help, not only me, but someone else. I hope they see the courage within me and use that same energy to produce their own courage within themselves. I want to spread my ideas with those who want to read/hear them. This is only the beginning, I think. Yeah, I did write columns (Cup of Jo – cute huh). I used to write about a column once a week for almost 2 years. They were published in the college newspaper. The topics were usually about uplifting others. I would share an experience I had and tell people how I overcame it. I would then give holistic advice. That’s pretty much what I’m doing here. I’m making a huge Cup of Jo column. I have faith that it will reach those who need it. I’m not looking to get famous or have hundreds of readers, but I do feel that the people who read it need to hear it. Because of all of that, I will continue the cleanse. I will fulfill my goals. I will accomplish my dream of living a healthy and fulfilling life. It will happen! And I have you, the reader, to that for that.

Many Blessings!

Support Group(s)

In some way or another, we all have people who support us. Sometimes we go through an event in our lives and it seems we don’t have anyone to support us or encourage us to following through with things, but I believe there is always someone who will be there when we experience things that are important to our lives. I pray that people have support from their friends and loved ones because it is extremely important to have people who support us. It means a lot when we can rely on people when we’re going through life events that are difficult or trying. It is equally important to have people around when we celebrate something.

First, I want to thank you, the reader, for subscribing to this blog because you are showing me support. When I get an email about someone who is following me, I’m excited because it shows me that people are interested in what I have to say as well as showing me that people care. You may not comment on any of my blogs and you and I may not ever get the chance to have a conversation, but nonetheless, you’re showing me support in my decision to make a lifestyle change that is going to be difficult to do. For that, I thank you!

Second, I want to talk about my mother for a moment. She is one of my biggest supporters. My mom and I didn’t get along very well when I was a teenage. Her and I fought a lot – and I mean, busted eyes, broken noses, and thrown tools; the works! Her and I would call each other all the names in the book and absolutely make each other’s lives a living hell. It lasted for about 5 years, really. I started getting more and more angry as I went through Jr. High and she would get more and more drunk; so, the combination was not good. Well, she got sick and had a series of seizers and shortly after that, we almost lost my sister and her son when she was giving birth to him. These two events led the relationship between my mom and I to change. It changed drastically. I finally put aside my anger toward my parents (my dad left us for another woman when I was 8 and it effected me a lot. I was real close with my dad when I was young. Now, however, we hardly talk). Anyways à after all the stuff with my mom and my sister happened, I put aside my anger and finally started to respect her. I changed the way I reacted to her drunken episodes and I even started caring for her when she was ill. Her and I didn’t talk about much except what needed to be taken care of for her seizers. It wasn’t until I was about 22 when I finally talked to her and we hashed out a lot of stuff. We cried. We laughed. We shared our points of view with each other, and in the end, her and I have much respect for each other. I don’t really consider her my friend either. I’ve heard some mother/daughter relationships that seem more like friendships then anything else. It’s not like that. She’s my mommy! I still call her mommy. It may sound weird, but I love that woman and couldn’t think of calling her anything else. Well, this woman is traveling over 300 miles to come spend a week with me while I am going through my cleanse. She is leaving her life and routine to come help me through part of this process. When I am cramping and crying because the pain is nearly unbearable, she will be there to make me some tea, rub my head and make sure I am as comfortable as I can be. She will also be spending many nights with me in front of the computer, watching funny TV shows. Her and I will do some yard work if I’m up for it. We will talk, laugh and make our bond stronger. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve missed her, a lot. I haven’t seen her in about 8 months, and that’s a long time for us. I used to live with her and we used to sit together and just talk for hours. Even though we do talk on the phone about once or twice a week, it’s not the same; I miss her! It will be nice to have her with me.

Third, the best bestie ever. This woman means more to me than any other human on this earth. I have known her for nearly 10 years (in this life, anyways) and I cannot imagine my life without her. She feels the same way. Her and I have worked on so many things together and we have built a sisterhood unlike any other relationship I’ve ever known to exist. She will come over in the middle of the night if I need her to. She will make sure my yard work is taken care of. She will make sure nothing happens to me. In addition, she will be going through her own mini detox too. Her and I will stop smoking together and she will join me on the 48-hour cleans (please see the “why I’m doing this page” if you want details). This woman lifted me up when I was down. I was still working at the warehouse (see previous blog) when I met her. We shared a mutual friend and we finally started hanging out. There was a moment in our relationship that things got weird, but we finally realized we were confusing our feelings for each other. We were drawn to each other and we wanted to be with each other, but at the time, we were confusing the feelings of respect, compassion, pure love and spirit connection with other feelings that messed things up. But, we worked through it, of course, and we have such a strong sisterhood now. I seriously cannot put into words how this woman has changed my life and lifted me to the place I am today. Seriously, without her influence, I would not be who I am today.

Forth, my group of goddesses. There are about 5 women who I have connected with on different levels. These women are my fellow goddesses. They are my fellow artists. I have invited them over (along with other women) to create powerful, goddess energy in my home. It’s beautiful what we’ve accomplished together. Well, these women and I are on an understanding that if I ask them for help it is because I need some of their energy and some of their power to strengthen myself. They’re full aware that I will be borrowing their energy so I can rejuvenate myself to meditate or whatever else I need to do. I am so grateful for having these women in my life because if it wasn’t for them, I would not have the opportunity to share this life changing experience with them. Not only do I need it, but I believe they need it too. I believe they need to see another woman go through something this intense and be witness to the transformation and outcome. It’s important for all of us.

Fifth, and finally, my colleagues at work. I work closely with five people who are aware of my upcoming experience and all of them have extended their hand to me. I honestly believe these people will be my connection to the future. I will keep in contact with them to remind me of what I have to look forward to. I will most likely never invite them to my house and I will probably not see them at work. But, I will keep in contact via email or text throughout the experience. I feel they will be supporting me without even knowing it. I feel they will be proud of me throughout this process and afterwards. Especially my boss. He is the only man in my life who I respect. He and I will be working very closely with each other, starting in October. We will most likely be spending a lot of time together. Even though I will be done with the cleanse and detox, he will be my support after the fact. He has already informed me that he will be here for me if I need him. And, I’m sure I’m going to need him. He’s become a special person in my life and I don’t want to not have him there when I’m going through this. I’m not sure why, but there’s a reason. I will learn it eventually, I have no doubt!

So, there’s my support group. It’s a large group of people who will be my rock when I need a boost out of the water. They will be my rope when I jump off the cliff and swing to the other side of the canal. They will be the bridge I walk across when I need to travel from one realm to the next. My support group will encourage me. They will help me. They will love me. They will be my friends, my companions and trusted advisors throughout this process. If it wasn’t for them, I would not be able to succeed in this process. I would not be able to stay strong and accomplish my goals. Like I mentioned, those people include you, the reader. I believe in the pay it forward idea; because you have supported me, I vow to support you in anything you do. I have vowed to support and love the people in my life and you, the reader, are now part of that circle. It is an amazing circle to be in, believe me! I will show you love, compassion and I will challenge you all at the same time – probably all during the same conversation, actually. I digress; I will be here for you when you need someone. If you’re thinking about doing your own cleanse, I’ll help you out. When you’re sad and just need someone to listen, I’ll be here. When you’re extremely happy and want to celebrate with someone, I’ll be here! Even if you decide not to reach out and contact me for any of those things, just know that there is always someone out there who will support you in what you do. Find those people and accomplish your dreams. *Blessed Be*

Addictions

Habits are something we all have. There can be good and bad habits. There can be unhealthy and healthy habits. There can be those habits that we keep secret or habits we share with others. Regardless of whatever habit it may be, sometimes it has to change. Change is inevitable, but, as humans, we don’t like change. We tend to practice lifestyles that have routine and comfort. How are we supposed to have a healthier and more productive lifestyle if we don’t change our habits? How are we supposed to accomplish the things we want to accomplish out of life if things never change?

With this detox, I am taking charge of my life. I am taking the responsibility upon myself to know what my body needs to be healthy and strong. This blog entry will explain my habits and addictions. I will brainstorm some ideas to change my lifestyle because the life I am living now is not suitable for the future I have planned. I feel my mind and spirit are ready to fly, but my body is keeping me from doing it. I feel as if my body is hindering me. I have already taken it upon myself to get more exercise. I ride my bike nearly everyday and I travel 3-7 miles a day. It may not seem like a lot, but for me it is. I don’t want to over do it, nor do I want to under do it. I have to take it slow, but I am enjoying it. I think I’m addicted to it, as a matter of fact. I feel a sense of freedom when I’m on my bike. So, that is already in action. It is one lifestyle change I have done already, and things will continue to change as the following months come my way.

Other habits and addictions I have, however, are not so healthy. I’m a smoker. I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 12. My mom would buy my boyfriend and I cigarettes all the time. Even though my mother wasn’t a smoker, she still bought me smokes. At one point, I was smoking two packs a day. It was horrible. Eventually, I stopped smoking for a little over a year. When my aunt got sick, I was so stressed out I started smoking again. I didn’t have anything else to fall back on. It was my comfort. Smoking comforted me when I was sad and stressed out. I have been smoking ever since then and even though I’ve gone a few days here and there, I always went back to smoking. I hate it! I hate that I am addicted to something that is so unhealthy for me. I hate the smell, the taste and spending the money. I even watched my grandmother die of lung cancer from smoking so much, and I still smoke. That’s not cool! Part of this detox will focus around my smoking. I will quit cold turkey like I’ve always done. I have faith it will work this time because I finally realize that I have the opportunity to do something else when I am stressed out. I don’t have to buy a pack of smokes to be calm. I don’t have to smoke to be calm. What will I do? I’m not sure yet. My routines have to change, that’s for sure. My morning routine has been drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes for more than a year now and it needs to change. What am I going to replace it with? What lifestyle change will I learn? Do I need to not drink coffee for a while too? Yes! If I continued to drink coffee like I have been every morning, I will want a cigarette. They go hand in hand for me. That needs to change.

One idea I have is to simply stay in bed a little longer in the mornings. It takes me about an hour to fully wake up, and I don’t believe I need coffee for that process. Maybe I will do some yoga, yard work, or even meditate. I can start my morning routine with exercise, nature and mindfulness. I think what I’m going to do is make a book of affirmations that I read every morning. As soon as I wake up and I can see clearly, I will pick up the book and read a passage that will remind me of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Yeah! I like that! (I seriously just came up with that idea right now =) I am in control of my own life and it is my responsibility to make my body healthy.

Comfort food is another addiction I have to change. When depression or stress gets the best of me, I turn to junk food – like many people do. I will eat so much garbage that it makes me sick. I remember, back in high school, I was so depressed that I ate an entire bowl of brownie mix. Yeah, I didn’t even bake the brownies because I sat there and ate the entire bowl of mix. I was sick afterwards. Now, however, I won’t eat brownie or cake mix at all. Even the taste of it makes me ill. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t eat other junk food. Nutter Butters, cookies, cooked brownies, ice cream and whatever else I can get my hands on at the time is what I eat when I’m depressed or stressed out. Like smoking, it brings me comfort. What am I going to replace that with? I think this is going to be most difficult for me. Like my coffee and cigarettes routine in the morning, my evening routine is junk food. It may not be every single night, but at least 5 days a week I will eat junk food in the middle of the night before I go to sleep. There’s been a few times where I kept junk food on my bedside table so it was there when I craved it. That’s ridiculous! I can’t do that anymore! I won’t do that anymore! But I still don’t know what I’m going to replace it with. What habits can I learn for my evening routines? Maybe I should ask myself why I eat junk food in the evenings. I wasn’t denied junk food when I was kid. Hey, maybe that’s why! Junk food was always in the house when I was growing up. My mom always had a drawer of it. We would make cake, brownies or cookies at least 3 or 4 times a week. We always had Rolo’s. The fact I still eat junk food could simply be childhood teachings. I’m an adult now and I am the one who buys my food. I don’t have to continue buying garbage that’s unhealthy for my body.

Let me make a clarification here. I’m not saying I will never eat junk food again. What I’m saying is that I will not binge. I believe I have an eating disorder. I don’t purge, but I do binge. I will eat large meals, stuff my face with junk food – all in secrecy. When I go out with friends or something, I won’t eat a lot. I’ll get a chicken sandwich or something simple. But when I’m alone, I’ll eat like crazy. This is the first time I’ve admitted this too. It’s the secret binges I need to change. If there’s a birthday party or something, I’m not going to pass up a slice of cake to celebrate with people. If I’m at a party, I’ll have some snacks. What I need to do, however, if change my intake when I’m alone. I always tell myself, “Nobody’s here, so nobody can judge me.” But that doesn’t justify it at all. I know that, logically. Sometimes it seems my body will be out of bed, walking down the hallway, opening a package of Nutter Butters and eating them before my mind says, “stop eating that!” What I need to do is change my thoughts. I need to empower my mind and take control of my body. Mind over matter, right? If I am mindful, I can succeed. NO NO!! Not if! I will be mindful and I will succeed!

The juice fast and detox I’m doing is very strict. Even though I will switch it up a bit and eat solids, I will not be eating anything that isn’t part of my goal plan. Fruits, veggies (both raw and cooked), and fish are the only things I will be eating. I will also be eating peanuts (raw and peanut butter). That’s it! Most likely, I will get vitamins too because I know it’s important for me to have them. With my food intake now, I’m not getting the right nutrition’s, I know this. It’s time that it changes. If I want to live the life I want to live when I’m in my 50s, I have to change my lifestyle now. A few years ago, I decided to completely cut out sodas, and I have. Sometimes I will get a Pepsi in a glass jar (because it is made with real sugar, not corn syrup), but I don’t drink soda anymore. I don’t know if I’ve benefited from it, but I do know I will benefit from it in the long run. I won’t get diabetes. It blows my mind when people say, “I’m a diabetic” but will drink an entire 2-liter of soda. Well! DUH! No wonder why you have diabetes! You’re drinking it. I’m not judging at all. All I’m saying is that I’m aware what causes diabetes. Our food and liquid intake is what causes it. So if we don’t want to be sick with diabetes, change the intake of food. Instead of taking pills, change the food intake. That’s what I’m doing now!

I have addictions and bad habits that need to change. I am the only one who can change it. I have to change my mind. I have to change my lifestyle. I have to change the way I practice morning and evening routines. I need to learn an entire new lifestyle. I don’t agree that I’m going on a diet because diets are usually short term. What I’m doing is life changing. It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s my lifestyle choice. It may not be for everybody and my way of doing it isn’t beneficial for others, I know that. I will never tell someone that they’re living life wrong. What I will do, however, is encourage people to live a healthy life. The only way we can live healthy lives is by taking control of our lives. We have to stay mindful of our surroundings, our food intake, and even where our food comes from. We have to understand what the body needs to be healthy. Every one of us is different and we need different things to be healthy. Yes, we all need certain nutritional foods, but some people are allergic to certain foods. Some people can’t eat fish. Some are allergic to peanuts. Those people need to find other ways to get the nutrition they need.

To the reader, yes you! Take a moment to reflect on your food and liquid intake. Are you like me and have addictions that may not be the healthiest thing to eat or drink? Do you have the same thoughts of “why am I eating this” as I do? What can you do to live a healthier life? What can you do to change your lifestyle? Is there one specific food you feel you can’t live without? What would happen if you stopped eating that food? I’ve asked myself all of these questions and it’s difficult to really answer them, isn’t it?! It’s not a simple thing to do, that’s for sure. But seriously, we have to start taking control of our lives. We have to stop depending on large corporations that produce genetically modified foods. We have to start buying local and supporting the farmer markets. It may be more expensive to buy the healthier foods, but in the end, it will be cheaper because we won’t be paying for hospital visits and medication to mask the internal damage we’re doing to our bodies. Honestly, I feel I am going through this process to teach others that it is possible and it’s a beautiful experience. Yes, I have no doubt it is going to be a pain in the ass (literally and figurative), but nonetheless, I am going to be a different person when I’m finished. Come to think about it, I’ll never really be finished. Like I’ve said, this is going to be a lifestyle change. Whatever I establish within the next few months is going to stick with me throughout the rest of my life. I will reap the benefits of this lifestyle change 10 years down the road … Shit, maybe 3 years down the road I’ll feel the difference. I have faith that you can do it too. It will be hard and it will take a lot of courage and motivation to accomplish your goals, but you can do it! Start small.

People all over the world are taking it upon themselves to live healthier lives. It’s time we start sharing our experiences too because the younger generations need to know what we went through so they don’t make the same mistakes. There is so much information at our fingertips and it’s our responsibility to learn what we need to learn to live healthy and happy lives. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Teach it. Be it! *Blessings*

My beautiful, modified body

Body Modification has been happening since humans became sentient beings. As soon as humans could feel, think, analyze and express themselves, body modification has been a part of our lives. The range of different body modifications go from a simple ear piercing to completely covering their body with tattoos. Women in Northern Thailand wear neck rings to have the illusion that their necks are longer, but really, it is their shoulders and rib cage that get shorter. Further, women during the T’ang dynasty were forced to bind their feet because it was considered more beautiful to have smaller feet. Many women damaged their feet and their posture because of this. Even in cultures throughout Africa, there are many kinds of body modifications, from lip plates to scarification. Modifying the human body is not new to humans!

 

This particular post is an introduction to my body modifications – tattoos to be exact. First, I intend to be completely covered. It will be a very long process and there are still some ideas that haven’t fully formed yet. Second, I have lost track of the number of tattoos I already have because they’re so intertwined with each other that I no longer count them individually. Third, and lastly, each and every tattoo I have or will get has a very significant reason and I will share that with you here. So, what I’m going to do here is go limb by limb and explain what the “theme” is and why I have done what I’ve done as well as what is to come next. *Enjoy!

 

I will start on my left foot and work my way upward to my neck and start working my way down my right side to my other foot … *fun times* Please, respect my body while reading this post and traveling the beautiful journey of this introduction to my body …

 

Left foot – No tattoos yet – What’s to come and why … I was born with a broken pinky toe and because of that, my pinky toe overlaps the toe next to it. When I leave a footprint in the sand or with wet feet, my pinky toe does not appear in the footprint. I’ve thought about how our fingerprints are identifying markers of our body and I figured so are our feet, right? When I leave a footprint, I’m missing a part of my body in the image that is left. So, I’ve decided that I will be getting a tattoo that will travel my entire body, which will start in between my pinky toe and the toe it sits upon. It’s going to be a very simple stock of ivy. The section on my foot will look as if the stock of ivy is tearing through my foot and climbing its way upward — just like how real ivy would bust through the ground and grow up a tree trunk.

Another idea I have for my right foot (and other parts of my body too) are pentacles. I am working on an idea for five pentacles on my body. I will get one on each foot (probably on the base of the outside of the ankle). Most likely, they’ll be made to look like pieces of twigs twinned together. But, as you can tell, this idea is still in the works.

 

Left leg (from ankle to knee) – I have two tattoos already. One tattoo is of Marvin the Martian from the old school Bugs Bunny Cartoons. I was in my early 20s when I got this tattoo and the reason I got it was because I used to watch him all the time when I was kid. I absolutely loved the relationship between him and Bugs. The way in which Marvin the Martian wanted to experience the “earth shattering kaboom” and how Bugs fought him to save the earth was intriguing to me. Even though I may not have understood it fully as a child, I remember thinking that the battle between Bugs and Marvin is a battle everyone on earth fights. We have the Marvin the Martians who want to destroy the earth, knowingly or not, so they do things that damage the earth. They may not be aware they’re damaging the earth, just like Marvin, but nonetheless there are millions of people are slowly killing the earth. Then, on the other hand, we have people like Bugs who are fighting to protect the earth. There are millions of other people who fight against the Marvin the Martians and try to either save the earth from them or fix what they’ve already done. Now, because I have the Marvin the Martian tattoo does not mean I consider myself a Marvin the Martian. On the contrary, this tattoo reminds me that there are Marvin the Martians out there and I need to continue to fight against them. If I would have tattooed a Bugs on my leg, it would not have reminded of the Marvin the Martians.

The other tattoos I have on my right leg – located on the outer calf – is a large portrait of Lara Croft from the video game (NOT THE MOVIES), Tomb Raider. Now, many people think I’m crazy for having a video game character tattooed on my leg, but once they hear the reason behind it, they totally understand. So, here’s a little story … I was hit by a car three days before High School graduation; June 9, 1998, to be exact. I won’t go into major details here, but I broke my right femur bone – snapped right in half – OUCH! So, recovery was insane, to say the least. The first surgery was horrible. I was in and out of the doctors all the time and doing major physical therapy. My boyfriend at the time was there and things really weren’t great. I hated life. But anyways à This isn’t when I started playing Tomb Raider. Instead, I was trying to buck up and do anything and everything I could – not very successfully. I rushed the recovery and went to work pretty quickly. I believe this is why I had to have another surgery a few years later and get the rod and screws removed. What was happening was that the screw in my knee was pulling on the tendon and causing some major damage. I had to remove everything – which, by the way, I was able to keep! I still have the rod and screws, which has bone marrow on it – lol! One day, I’m going to use them as an art project. I digress … the second surgery was more painful and the recovery was much longer.  I was unable to do anything for a long time. So, what did I do? Play Tomb Raider, of course! I played Tomb Raider every day for nearly 8-10 hours a day. At that time in my life I didn’t really care about anything so I didn’t read, I didn’t research anything, I didn’t write much, I didn’t do anything but play Tomb Raider and do a little physical therapy. I seriously believe that Lara Croft saved me from a major depression and probably suicide. She’s a wonderful reminder of what my body is capable of.

What’s to come – this leg has a theme started already – cartoons and video games. I think I’m going to get another Lara Croft profile and instead of her wearing the brown active clothing, like in the game, I am going to put her in a cocktail style dress and high heels. Not sure yet. Other than that, I don’t know what else will go on this leg yet – except of course the growth of my ivy stock

 

Left thigh (from knee to hip) – no tattoos and no idea what’s going there. It will most likely be a continuing of the video game and cartoon collection.

 

Butt, waist, stomach, pelvis, chest, back (torso area w/out arms) – No tattoos except for two small ones on my back. I have a small (the size of a nickel, maybe) Chinese symbol in the middle of my back that means, “Sex.” Yes, I’m sure that’s what it says, I took it to three sources who confirmed it. The reason I got this was that “sex on the back is the best position …” LOL! Really! It doesn’t matter if I’m on my back or if my partner is on their back – it’s always the best because we’re able to make powerful energy together.

The other tattoo I have is located on the back of my neck. This tattoo is kind of odd, but significant. There was a time in my life that I didn’t care what people thought of me and my attitude was “if you don’t like me, fuck off.” So, I had a friend of mine draw something – free hand on my neck. Even though I still don’t care what people think about me, I really no longer have the attitude I had about it before. Now, I’m more like “if you don’t like me, that’s too bad, I’m pretty rad” … So, the tattoo I have on my neck is of a weird looking egg face with blue flame surrounding it and a simple glove-covered hand flipping “you” off. I will sometimes be very mindful of this tattoo and if someone is sitting behind me or I sense someone staring at me, I will apologize for the rude remark of my tattoo. I am not apologizing for offending them or expressing any kind of regret for my tattoo, but I’m just aware that some people would assume something about me that isn’t true and I absolutely hate it when people judge me because of my tattoos.

One idea I have for my chest is connected to the pentacle idea. I will have two large pentacles on my chest, near my collarbone line. Yeah, that’s going to hurt! But unlike the two that are going on my feet/ankle area, these two on my chest will be an apple core chopped in half so the pentacle will be rather hidden within the apple core. Instead of being a bluntly obvious pentacle, it will be five seeds within an apple that’s been cut in half.

Another idea is that I will have a huge tree on my back with a woman (specific tarot card drawing) leaning up against the trunk. This is very much still in the brainstorming phases, but It will take up my entire back. Now that I think about it, maybe it will be an apple tree since I’m going to have a split apple on my chest *hum, I like that!

 

Left arm (from shoulder to elbow) – I have a collection of three tattoos here. First, one is a cover-up. On my 18th birthday, my sister took me to get my first tattoo. I was so excited. I went to the local tattoo shop and picked one out. It was small and very simple. It was a lion. I was very proud of it – for about a week! I started really looking at it and realized it was horrible artwork. There was no detail, no color, and the lines were weak. So, years later, I covered it with a larger, more colorful lion’s face. Why a lion, you ask? Well, I’m a Leo =) I absolutely love this tattoo because I think it has my expression on its face. It’s very smug and strong. It’s not angry and no teeth are showing. Instead, it’s full of bright yellow and oranges (with green eyes) and a full mane of wild hair (just like me) – oh wait! No! I don’t have green eyes, I have brown eyes – but everything else is similar.

Another tattoo is an Ankh. It’s an Egyptian symbol for life – enough said!

The other is the Om symbol without the little swish on the backside of it. There are two meanings behind this one. One, of course is the Om meaning. I meditate often and enjoy listening to Om meditations. The other meaning (because the swish isn’t there) is tied to the Sanskrit language, and the symbol means “lion.”

 

Left arm (from elbow to wrist) – Finished, covered and my favorite tattoo. This particular one could be considered multiple tattoos or it could be considered one. Three different artists did it. I went through five different sessions and I think this one was the most expensive to purchase. The woman represents my moon sign – Aquarius. She is holding a jug of water and she is pouring it out into a lake. There’s a crescent moon behind her and the clouds are rolling through during sunset times with pinks and purples engulfing her. He hair blows in the breeze and there is an expression of solitude on her face. She is wearing a Reissuance style harlot dress (because I used to dress as a harlot for the Reissuance fairs I attended regularly). On the inside of my arm there are many symbols that represent the Universal connection that my internal being has to my moon sign. It’s a powerful reminder for me.

 

Left hand – no tattoos – Nothing is planned. I believe I will only tattoo my hands if 1) I run out of space or 2) I ever get married – a hand fasting, actually – never married. Instead of wearing a ring, I will tattoo something on my finger. Because if I ever, and I mean EVER, meet someone worthy enough to share my life with in that way it will be for the rest of my life … There is much more that goes with that story, but I will save it for another time …

 

Shoulders – This will be a “catch all” area, I think. Other than the tattoo I will get for my mother, which will be a large scorpion (because she’s a Scorpio) located on my right shoulder (looking over the rest of my family – that description is next), my shoulders will be used as connection pieces of the tree on my back and/or the ivy growing upwards from my left foot. I will most likely have a bunch of critters too on my shoulders.

 

Right arm (from shoulder to elbow) – this is an entire dedication to my family. I have four already here and I am working on another one for my aunt (plus the idea of my mom too). I have a wilted purple and blue rose (representing my father’s mother – my nana – her middle name was “Rose”) looking over the matching tattoo I have with my sister, which says “two sisters joined forever: Nettie & JoJo” with two hearts and an old school style ribbon wrapped around them. Below that, I have a large hand bell and a blue butterfly representing my mother’s mother (well, her aunt actually, but she raised my mom and I grew up knowing her as Nani). The reason I got the hand bell and a butterfly is because Nani used to collect bells. I remember, as a child, I would always ding her bells and just enjoy it. I have three or four of her bells in my house that I still ring regularly. The butterfly reminds me of her backyard, where I used to chase butterflies and play with nature. Then, I didn’t know anything about faeries or magical creatures … interesting how I’m in my 30s and I’m playing with butterflies and magical creatures again in my own backyard *beautiful!

The other tattoo I have is located on the backside of my arm and it says “Bruno,” written in stack style … Bruno is my last name =)

The dedication tattoo I will have for my aunt will go on the inside of my arm – above the elbow pit – and it will be an Ace of hearts and a Jack of hearts. The Ace will be behind the Jack because the Ace represents “Auntie” and the Jack represents “Jo” and she always had my back when she was alive and this will be a reminder for me that she still has my back in death. *gee, I miss that woman so much* Her and I used to sit for hours and play cards. We would sometimes start a game and have to finish it the following day, hence the cards.

 

Right arm – elbow to wrist – This is in conjunction with my moon sign tattoo on my left arm. Here, you’ll find a collection of three artist’s work combined to make one beautiful image. On the inside of the arm, I have the symbol for sun (a circle with a dot in the middle) located near my wrist. Above that is the typical astrological sign for Leo. Coming off the sun symbol, are a bunch of flames that wrap around my wrist and travel up to my elbow. There are bright colors of blue, yellow, orange and red …

 

Right hand ­– No tattoos and no ideas

 

Right leg (from hip to knee) – I have recently started a doodle leg. My friend is using me as “live practice material” because she’s working on her tattoo certificate so she can own her own tattoo shop. She’s started drawing freehand on my leg and I have, so far, five falling leaves with colorful fall colors. We are unsure how many leaves will be here and what other ideas she may have, but right now it’s up for inspirational tattooing.

Another idea on this leg is in respects to my two surgeries from when I broke my femur and had everything removed. I have two large scars and two small scars that I want to try to make into zippers. Most likely, I will not find a tattoo artist who will tattoo over the scars because they’re so awkward to tattoo over, but I want to make zippers out of them somehow. I want to put a memorial of the high school I went to. I want to put the street sign that literally saved my life in between the zippers too. Maybe even a pirate face since I was a proud Pirate during high school.

 

Right leg (from knee to ankle) – I have two tattoos already and I’m starting to brainstorm other ideas. I have a dedication to Johnny Cash on the back of my calf, which is a man’s wedding ring engulfed in flames, which represents a “burning ring of fire.” It also has his name and the year he was born and the year he died. The song spoke to me during a depression spell when my boyfriend left me and I decided to get this tattoo as a reminder of how painful and sweet love is.

The other tattoo is located at the base of my leg, just above the anklebone. A very vibrant, badass dragon is ripping through my skin. Actually, it’s meant to look like it’s going straight through my leg because the tail of the dragon is on the inside of my leg and the dragon’s body is on the outside of my leg. However, I will be covering the tail with another idea I have because I just don’t like the way it looks anymore. The body of the dragon I will keep and probably make the tearing skin look a bit better. This tattoo represents a time in my life when I felt there was something powerful within me that I didn’t know how to control so I suppressed it. The energy within me kept bottled up and eventually exploded. I got this tattoo in my early 20s, but I still never allowed this energy to be free until my late 20s into my 30s. It’s real interesting to me to see this tattoo because when I got it I was feeling like, “I’m hiding my true self from others because I’m scared, but I want to get this tattoo to remind myself of who I am even though I’m unable to show people.” Now, however, I look at this tattoo as, “Damn! I finally let it out! That’s me!” It’s neat!

Other ideas – Like I mentioned, I want to cover the tail of the dragon. What I’ve decided to cover it with is Maleficent from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. Maleficent is my favorite villainess. Yeah, she’s considered “evil,” but she is Top Dog when it comes to magical creatures in Walt Disney’s mind. Maleficent has become the leader of other villains and villainess’ when cartoons would overlap. Furthermore, according to Mac Dictionary/Wikipedia, Maleficent is “causing or capable of causing harm or destruction, esp. by supernatural means” and in Astrology, it is “relating to the planets Saturn and Mars, traditionally considered to have an unfavorable influence.” Again, this is “evil,” but, like the Marvin the Martian tattoo, I am not evil or wishing harm to anyone. Instead, it is a reminder that there are powerful energies out there that will fight against me. And, like Maleficent as a Disney character, I have the power to fight against them. I will always use my power for good – never evil – and I believe I’m capable of having the strength that Maleficent has. She’s a leader. She’s strong and powerful. She’s smart. She has wisdom beyond her years, and even though she uses her powerful for “evil,” she is still pretty badass!

Do you see a connection yet?!

In the movie, Maleficent turns into a large dragon at the end of the move, right? Well, on the outside of this leg is a dragon, which oddly enough, looks very similar to the dragon she turns into. Watching the movie as a kid, I was never interested in the romance. Instead, I was more interested in the magic of Maleficent. Nothing’s changed there =)

 

Right foot – I have one tattoo – no other ideas other than the twined twig pentacle idea. The tattoo there is the number 76. It’s time for a huge story – as if I haven’t already been telling stories, right – lol! First, we’ll start with numerology. 76 = 4 (7+6=13 and 1+3=4) following along? Well, there are 4 significant things in my life that represent the number 76. Coincidence? I don’t think so. The first significance is the house I grew up on. I lived in the same house for 20 something years and I have hundreds of very fond memories (as well as not so good memories) of living there. The second significance is 1976 was when my sister was born. She’s my sister; I loves her! The third significance is my ’76 Chevy truck. It was my first vehicle. I loved that thing so much. I drove it like a boss and I treated it very well. Even though it was a gas-guzzler and leaked oil all over the place, it was the perfect truck for me. Until, one day, I blew two head gaskets and it went down hill from there. I did, however, rebuild half of the engine (with the help of some good men) but it was too late. I had to put my truck to rest eventually. I gave it to my friend who used it for scraps. I want to try to get my cab and tailgate back (if they hasn’t been destroyed) so I can use them for garden art. But we’ll see. The forth and final significance to the number 76 is, oddly enough, the 76 gas station. The good men I mentioned above, who helped me fix my truck, all worked at the 76 gas station/auto mechanic shop. I spent many hours there with those guys and I became very good friends with all of them. I no longer talk to any of them, but regardless they were very important to me at the time. One individual was the last married man I was with. He told me I deserved better out of life and that being with married men was selling myself short. I only had a hand full of sexual encounters with him. Him and I were more like friends than anything else. But sometimes, we couldn’t hold back our attraction for each other. This is one marriage I almost messed up – but in the end, the man always stays with the wife. A very hard lesson I had to learn. He helped me learn it though and this tattoo will forever be a reminder to NEVER EVER EVER be the mistress again! I’m worth more than that.

 

WHOA!!! That’s a lot eh! I wonder if there’s anything I’ve missed *time to reread and make sure I got everything* Okay, wow! Yeah! That’s a lot. If you read through that entire thing, I give you a virtual HIGH 5! Thank you! While rereading it, I did forgot some things …

 

I will get Taz (yes, Tasmanian Devil from old school Bugs Bunny cartoons) somewhere on my cartoon leg because he’s just too darn cute! I will have him dressed in fishnet stockings and high heels. He might even have a pink tutu and a bullwhip. I will not share details about why that is … I will just tell you that the term “freak in bed” fits me well.

The other things I forgot to mention was the fifth pentacle idea and a small tattoo I will get. The reason I forgot to mention these were because they will be located on the mound of my vagina. I never introduced the reader to that section of my body. Save the best for last, right? Well, one idea is that there will be a small (like the size of a dime) pentacle on my mound. Most likely, I will have this done with no hard lines, meaning there will be no black lines. Instead, I will pick a color (the day I get the tattoo) and have a very simple pentacle without any real detail. The other tattoo will also go on my bikini line somewhere. It’s going to be a stick figure “mowing the lawn” with an old push mower. I just really liked the idea after I saw it on some guy’s balding head.

So, that’s it! My body is my temple. Since I am detoxing my body in the coming months, I felt it was relevant to share the outer parts of my body too. I am going to share some real in depth things while doing this blog and it’s important to respect my body – both inside and out.

 

Many Blessings

This is who I call God

The name God has a negative connotation to it, for me. I had my first holy communion. I went to Sunday school. I went to catholic mass through most of my childhood. I drank the blood of Christ. I ate his flesh? I sang songs that had no meaning to me. I remember being slapped on my hand with a ruler from a nun. I remember sitting in her office at the age of six, maybe, and thinking, “Why exactly am I supposed to care about this.” I have asked the question “why” for as long as I could remember.

 

Why did my dad leave me?

Why does mommy make those noises?

Why do random men come over while I’m supposed to be asleep?

Why? Why? Why?

I wanted to know why things happened the way they happened.

 

I got in trouble in Jr. High a lot, and I would always be sent to the vice principles office. Once I walked into his office, he handed me money and I went to the store, across the street from the school, and I would buy doughnuts for him and the office. I would purposely get into trouble because I was always curious as to why I needed to be in class when I could be hanging out the vice principle, eating breakfast. Considering I never ate breakfast, doughnuts seemed like a good idea. If that meant I had to get in trouble in class and be sent to his office, so be it.

 

I digress! The point of that story was to get an understanding of why I did some of the things I did. It was mainly because I wanted to why something was the way it was. I was curious. I started this entire rant because it will show the reader how my mind worked at that age. It started young. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s, after I was completely recovered from getting hit by a car a couple of years prior, when I started asking why God, the All Mighty One, would leave me alone in a time when I so desperately needed Him. My boyfriend throughout high school left me after I had a miscarriage. My mom was an alcoholic who was sleeping around like nobody’s business. My father was not around and didn’t want anything to do with me. My sister was off with her new husband and their newly born son. Why wasn’t God there for me when everyone else wasn’t? Everyone abandoned me, I believe God did too.

 

I felt, and somewhat still feel, that the catholic version of God did not intend for me to be one of his followers. He knew I would challenge Him and ask him why. He knew he didn’t have the answers I sought, so he let me go elsewhere. I floated around throughout my 20s with ideas of what God was supposed to be. I dipped into Atheist studies. I studied Buddhism. I finally said forget it and stopped looking. It didn’t interest me anymore because I was under the impression that there was no such thing as God. He didn’t exist. So, I went through life, for many years, as a faithless working girl who ran around town and stopped asking why. I didn’t care why anymore. I didn’t seek anything except my next victim. Oh, I mean, my next married man. That’s another time though ~ My point is that I stopped caring about anything and God was the least of my concerns. Until one day, I snapped!

 

I recall that I was forgetting to do things. I was making mistakes at work. I was feeling ill, tired and nauseas all the time. I was unhappy! Shortly after experiencing this depression, I had a nervous break down. I was at work one day and things got a little crazy with the loads I was unloading. I was working at a warehouse and we dealt with huge refrigeration units for grocery stores. I was the shipping and receiving supervisor of the entire inventory, so whatever came in or went out, I was in charge of. Well, I was already feeling anxious and irritated and there was a huge line of truck drivers waiting to be unloaded. It was too much for me, and I snapped! I threw down my clip board, walked into the main office, sat down at my supervisors desk, handed him my Nextel and said, “I quit” and walked out of his office. I started walking toward my truck when he chased me down and pretty much forced his way between the car door and me. Now, him and I had a relationship that I will not get into here, but he was one of the married men. I gave in to his pleading, and I went back to work. Still irritated, upset and plain board with the situation, I continued working there for a few more weeks until they could find someone to take over. Except, nobody was good enough. Nobody was ever up to the manager’s expectations, so nobody was ever hired. This, in turn, made me stay there longer.

 

Eventually, I snapped once more, except this time there was no turning back. I was in our second warehouse when I got so pissed off at a situation that was out of my control that I completely flipped out. I started crying. I started throwing shit. I was screaming, calling people all the ugliest names in the book, and I event drove a forklift into the side of the building whiling throwing my Nextel at my supervisors. I was fired! I didn’t have anywhere to go. I couldn’t afford to live where I was living. I was disgusted with myself. I was angry. I was sad. I was scared for the first time since I was a child. This is when I started asking why again.

 

Why wasn’t God here for me now? Yeah, I didn’t pray. I didn’t read the bible, go to church or anything that would suggest he’d be listening, but I wanted someone there to comfort me. Why wasn’t God there?

 

I’ve learned it was because I wasn’t meant to receive an answer from God.

I was meant to receive the answer of Pan or the Green Man or the Mother, Maiden and Crown.

I was meant to hear the howl of the wolf on a full moons night.

I was made to feel the breath of Earth on my face on a spring afternoon.

The morning frost was meant to kiss my face ever so gently every morning I woke up in the winter.

I was created under the symbolism and energy of the Pentacle.

I was created with all elements of life.

The Christian God did not create me. He did not want me on his side because I would have wanted more than what he could provide.

 

I found comfort and joy in the woods one evening when I was living with my sister. I had moved in with her and her family shortly after I lost my job. They took me in and I slept in a small closet, located under the stairs. All I had with me was a week’s worth of clothing, a small lamp, an old plastic filing cabinet for a dresser, one twin mattress and my cat. This time of my life was very sad. I hardly showered or ate. I didn’t do much, really, except play video games and play with the animals. I got bored of it quickly though and eventually started to explore the land I was living on. I visited so many national parks. I got to know the local market owner and her family. I didn’t make any friends though. I wasn’t interested in becoming friends with anyone, or having sexual relations for that matter. I wanted to be left alone for the majority of the time. I spent time with the kids, of course, and I did things around the house to help out, but for the most part, I kept to myself. I came across a little witchy store in one of the neighboring towns and I saw a deck of tarot that called to me. It’s called The Well Worn Path by GET THE NAMES. I bought that deck along with a black spiral notebook to keep track of my readings.

 

To this day, I have every single one of the readings I’ve done since. It was sometime in 2007 when I started. So, that’s about five years of tarot. Crazy! Anyways … I really took to the cards. I played with them. I read the entire book and made notes where I saw fit. I would take this deck outside with me places and I would do a reading in a park somewhere. I would jot down where I was, what I heard and how I was feeling during each reading. It was a lot of fun. I can still remember the smell of a couple places because they were so powerful. There was one time I was alone at a lake and I was visited. To this day, I am unsure if what I think happened really happened or if it was my imagination. All I know is that this event changed my life!

 

So, there I am sitting on a bench doing a tarot/reflection entry in my notebook. My truck is sitting in the dirt next to me. I am listening to the sound of the lake and the animals making their noises. I had all my fishing gear with me, but for some reason I felt like swimming instead. So, I took off all of my clothes and walked into the lake. It was cold! Nude swimming in September in the mountains was insanity, really! Anyways, I’m floating in the water and I’m drifting around. I cannot go far, considering the lake was less than a mile wide. I feel myself getting very cold and my nipples hurt from being so hard. I remember I was floating there, playing with my nipples because I had never felt them that hard before. I remember laughing at myself. Shorting after that happened there was a woman standing on the shoreline near my truck. She was an older woman, maybe in her 80s. She startled me, but she smiled and waved at me. This all happened within seconds. Like seriously 2 seconds. When I moved to adjust my body so I was upright, I noticed her walking away. She didn’t vanish; she simply walked up the path and continued walking down the street. By the time I was out of the lake, and clothed again, I jumped into my truck and drove off. I was embarrassed and frightened all at the same time. On my way home, however, curiosity got the best of me. I kept asking Why was that lady standing there.

 

Who was that lady?

Why did I get naked and go swimming during broad daylight?

Why didn’t she stay?

Where did she go?

Where did she come from?

I had many questions with no answers!

 

After reflecting on the day, I just chalked it up as a little old woman who was just saying hello. I do not believe that today, however. I believe it was someone acknowledging me and welcoming me into the realm of witchery. I believe it was an introduction of sorts for the world that awaited me. It was maybe even an invitation. Since the Catholic God did not want me, another deity visited me and welcomed me into her circle of power. Many tarot reading since then have validated this, which is why I believe it to be true. The pagan path I took was something that changed my world. I see things differently. Not just point of view “see,” but also the actual visual picture of what my eyes are seeing.

 

My self-image has changed too; all in respects to the Pagan path, I have chosen. I started to see trees differently. The colors of green, yellow, orange, red and brown all started to be more vibrant. I noticed them more. I noticed the sounds of the birds, butterflies and critters. I recall the taste of rain in the fall. I know what an ice cycle tastes like too. The smell of the snow melting on a warm day is probably one of my favorite smells. I paid close attention to the places I visited. Mother Earth spoke to me. She played games with me. She touched me. She listened to me. She hugged me. She gave me comfort. She was strong for me and held me up when I was at my lowest point. To this day, I do not know how I was able to stay so strong through so much heartache and confusion. If it wasn’t for my tarot deck and my cat I probably wouldn’t be alive today.

 

I give my thanks daily for having such a beautiful teacher with so much power that she could take out an entire state if she so wanted to. She is my God. Earth has the power of God that I needed. I needed the strength of Earth to satisfy my passion for why. When I am analyzing a situation and I have the question “why” in my head, I go spend some time in nature. I will lay or sit under a tree, I will swim in a lake or a creak (with clothes on), and I will connect with The Mother. I will seek answers that she will reveal when I am ready to learn the lessons I need to learn. Because of my connection with Mother Earth, I have the power of earth, air, fire and water to protect me and comfort me. I have the strength of the World holding me up, encouraging me to be a better person and show my true colors because my colors are bright enough to make a difference. My entire being has the support of such a powerful energy that when I shine my lights, people can feel the warmth and love radiating out of me. This is exactly why I decided the path of Pagan Witch.

 

What I do is something unique and people enjoy it. Sometimes they may not understand why they enjoy it or they may not even be aware they’re enjoying it. Either way, I have something amazing about me and the Christian God was incapable of providing me with enough strength. That’s okay too! I’m grateful He wasn’t my answer. During all those times I was asking why He was never around for me it was because I was looking in the wrong places. I was looking online, in books and going off what other people believed. I never went outside and paid any attention to anything. I never gave myself the opportunity to be in a situation that was peaceful enough for me to enjoy until I moved in with my sister and started doing tarot readings. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to express the way in which I feel about being a proud pagan woman. I do not hide it and I will never hide it. I cannot receive the support of Mother Nature if I hid it from others. The energy I receive is not for me and only me. I need to share this gift with as many people as I can. I need to connect with people and give them hope. I need to express my true colors because if I hide from me I am hiding from the Earth and that is never okay with me.

 

Blessed be, reader!