getting through The Pain
admitting The Heartache
accepting The Change
brought THE POWER
brought THE COMFORT
brought THE WILLINGNESS
getting through The Pain
admitting The Heartache
accepting The Change
brought THE POWER
brought THE COMFORT
brought THE WILLINGNESS
I’m open and receiving
It’s been a roller coaster ride
I let it go and feeling relieved
I’m just flowing with the tide
Every day I’m grateful
Today I’m empowered
Life is beautiful
I am not a coward
Words will not get me down
Life; I’m rockin’
They will act like a clown
I will continue to be shockin’
*Many Blessings, my readers – stay focused and rock your life! You’re in control!
I saw HIM. I spent the night with him. I hugged him, kissed him, and laughed with (and at) him. He hasn’t changed since high school. 15+ years and he’s still the same. The only thing that’s changed is that he talks more … but only about himself. Other than that, he’s the same. It really made me realize that I’m not responsible for him or his feelings or his thoughts or even the events that happened in his life. I seriously felt responsible for a long time. I put so many curses on him. I cursed his name and his life many times throughout my life. I released them, finally, of course. I am nowhere near responsible for his life. I had to see him and experience him again to learn that. I hope the next time I have to learn such a big lesson I won’t have to interact with such negativity. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say … I’m better off! I finally have closure. It’s crazy, and I am grateful for my interaction with him.
But seriously! This isn’t the topic I want to talk about. I just thought it would be nice to know where this blog is coming from. What I have to say is something that came up during my time with him. It’s a serious matter!
People don’t want to talk about rape because it’s such a sensitive topic. To be aware of something means one has to pay attention. Well, I was in a situation, while I was with him. He didn’t touch me! He didn’t even come close to touching me without my approval first. So, no worries there!!! But he did make remarks that made me want to write about rape and women’s safety.
For centuries, our society has blamed the victim. There’s a phrase, “Rape Culture,” that’s been present in many activist groups. We need to stop blaming the victim! If, by chance, he did act upon his thoughts, I don’t know if I would have been able to fight him off. He is larger and much stronger than me. Would I have been blamed if he acted toward me? Yeah, I’m the one who invited him to meet me. I’m the one who wanted to go walking on the beach at 12:30 in the morning. I’m the one who put myself in that situation. However, none of that should be a reason why I am raped. Fuck that! No! The problem is not with me – or any other woman for that matter! The problem is with the person who acts!
So, there are hundreds of thousands scenarios why someone would act in a manner like that. It could be mental health. It could be drugs. It could be control issues. It could even be that they were raped when they were younger and they feel it’s okay. It doesn’t matter, though. All of those things can be the reason, and there could be many more reasons too. Bottom line, women need to be aware of their surroundings. Women need to have a way out. I didn’t. I sit here and think what I would have done if he did act. I wonder if I could have fought him off or screamed loud enough for someone to hear me. I wonder if he would have stopped. These things, I do not know. I am so grateful that I don’t them too!
Look! It is never okay to rape. I don’t care how many mental illnesses a person has (this particular man I dealt with had 3 different diagnoses – I found this out after the fact, of course); it’s never okay! Girls, be aware of the people in your circle. Trust people. Know people. Know yourself! My strength during that moment was my courage to speak up. When he “tried to be cute,” as he put it, I called him on his shit. What I found was that my courage, my strength and still something unknown within me, all intertwined themselves and I was able to speak up. I wasn’t a bitch about it. I didn’t belittle him. I didn’t even raise my voice. All I did was take a step forward, lower shoulders back, raise my head, look up at him into his eyes and asked him, “Did you really just tell me you’d bend me over that bench and I wouldn’t even tell you no? Did you really just say you’d rape me?” Well, his entire “cute” being dropped. He was defeated. He apologized. He “didn’t mean it like that.” Well, whatever! The point is that I was able to take control of the situation. I was comfortable within myself to state exactly what was on my mind.
I encourage every single woman out there to find that inner courage and know thyself! Figure out what makes you who you are. I’m not talking about the every day routine and materialistic shit. I’m talking about that inner core. Your thought process. Your fears. Your hopes, dreams and concerns. All of it! Know it all! Understand it all. Find it if you don’t know any of it. Change if you don’t like it. You have the power to be that strong, beautiful woman you were meant to be. It’s not your fault that people our there would rather look at your cleavage then talk to you. It’s not your fault that people will treat you differently depending on what kind of clothes you wear. It is not your fault! The only thing anyone can blame you for is not knowing how to protect yourself in a dangerous situation. Demand the respect you deserve!
Now, look … I’ve never taken a combat class or self-defense class. I don’t know how to shoot a gun and I don’t know how to stop someone from attacking me. But we don’t need that stuff to have the strength and will power to survive a situation. Yeah, they may help in some situations, but in most cases how we handle a situation is how we survive. If we’re cool headed, calm and compassionate – even toward someone who’s trying to hurt us – chances are, we’ll win. The way in which we contain that calm state of mind during hardships is by learning all we can about who we are. Find your strengths. Work on your weaknesses. Follow your intuition. Meditate. Know you! Love you! You’re worth it!
I love you!
As I wake from my peaceful slumber, I am graciously reminded that forgiveness is not for the anyone but ones self! I have forgiven much from my past. It isn’t for anyone else, but me. I seek peace, love, and beauty in my life! The people who I allow in my inner circle will also help with having those things in my life.
This detox has taught me many things … Lets analyze this quickly
Physical … I’m in control of my body. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how to eat. I choose to eat healthier things and stay active (as active as possible) … … My body is damaged and needs to be healed. I’m the only person to do that! So, I’m doing it!
Emotional … Now, this is a biggie! It is okay to cry! I have a problem with allowing people to see me cry, but that’s not fair to me to have that discomfort. Honestly, crying in front of people opened an entire new POV … … I now know I need to find some kind of anger management. When I feel the need to get angry, I have to allow it to flow through me. I suppress my anger because I’m afraid of what I will do with it. Not anymore! My anger is there for a reason and I need to tap into it every so often so I don’t explode … … There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not passionate about something. I’m a powerful, forceful and sometimes too much for people. It’s who I am. There’s nothing I can do about that except find balance within my own emotional state of mind and reality! Working on it …
Spiritual … Now, here’s another buggy! I do not need to add people to my ritual. That is too important to me to share with anyone right now. I cannot … I will not … Practice with someone for awhile. I need to stay solitary and find a routine and practice of my own. No more sharing!
Mindfulness … My inner core is healing; I am nursing it. My spirit is awake; I am making it breakfast. My body is speaking; I am listening. My thoughts are random; I laugh at them … … … I am in control of my thoughts. Thoughts become ideas. Ideas become conversation. Conversation becomes action. Action is life! So, in order for me to live the best life I can, I need to have different thoughts. I am mindful or a lot!
There’s more, of course. This was only a quickie. Today I start the beginning of my future. All from my past doesn’t matter. I do not need to dig any deeper. I dug. I found most of what I was looking for. I was dirty with dirt from yesteryear. I’m now clean with the soap of my future! It feels different to think about things from my past. No more hate. No more bitterness. I’ve forgiven those who have caused me pain… Not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it!
I’m good with that 😉
I’m working on a powerful message … Stay tuned, for more will reveal itself!
Many bright blessings, readers!
As I rest from a busy day sewing my new patch-work skirt I’m making from five other random skirts I had that I loved but couldn’t wear them because they were torn and stained, I’m thinking about my past present and future. I’m thinking about how the past is something that’s happened and there is nothing we can do about any of it, so we should accept it, right? I’m thinking that all the things from my past brought me to this exact moment in my life and I can honestly say that I have accepted my past. I’m thinking since I have finally accepted my past and I’m blessed in the present, what exactly will my future bare? What’s next? I’ve learned to love myself and others, even if I never get an apology. I’ve learned how to love my neighbor. I have learned how to plant a tree and upkeep a decent garden. I’ve experienced loss of a loved one. I know the pain of betrayal and heartache. But none of it affects me anymore. They’re just things that have happened. Good and bad. It’s all me. I’m very happy with me, so I must be okey with my past. It’s strange, really. I am still trying to understand it myself. Even though I’m hurting, have been hurt and will get hurt again, I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I’m still mourning and shedding some hurt, so I’m still working through this particular pain release, but I’m still grateful, hopeful and I’m still excited about my future. I have set some things in motion that will most likely be things that will last long term in my life. I’m talking 10 year goals have been set into motion this year! Five year goals have been established, researched and brainstormed. Action will come soon. I am doing exactly what I did when I had my nervousness breakdown in 2006/2007 … That’s five/six years ago… I’ve accomplished most of the dreams I set forth then. I have to make new goals and dream new dreams! That’s what I’ve been doing. And I am so excited about my future. I am so excited to see how the next 5 months will mold me into the woman I will be in 10 years. DUDE! That’s insane, right?!? My first test is this weekend. No! No! No! My first test was a couple of months ago when I was with a wonderful man. I succeeded at that test. This weekend marks the second test. If I succeed at the level I did on my first test. There will be no stopping me! I am so excited I could hardly contain myself. But I still have a couple of days that I need to pay attention to. I have to be in the moment … Not the future! I need to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how excited I am about my next test, I need to have conversations and events with a couple of people without my excited getting in the way! BE IN THE MOMENT!
So, the point of this blog is to encourage you, the reader, to go for your dream! Set goals and do all you can to accomplish those goals. It really does make you feel good about life. Just go for it! Take a leap. It doesn’t matter how big or how small it is, but move forward. Ask yourself if you’re happy nothing has changed for the last three years. Are you the same, habit forming, person you were three years ago? If you are, you have grown very much as a person. Go for it! What’s stopping you? Really … What’s really stopping you? All I’m saying is go out and accomplish something. Accomplishments make us feel better because we’ve worked and succeeded. It’s really empowering, really. Try it. Go for it. The important thing to remember is this … If you “fail” at your goal don’t you dare give up. Brush yourself off and try again. Figure out what got in the Wayne you accomplishing your gaol. When you figure that out, don’t let it stop you this time. I have faith you can do it. Whatever it is!
Set a goal
Research said goal
Act on goal
This blog will be a free write. You’re warned! I’m probably not going to hold back much. I might over share, but please visit the FIRST THREE paragraphs of my previous blog. They apply here! ~ Here I go ~
Fifteen years later and I’m finally mourning the death of my unborn child. I finally came to terms with that situation and forgave a man I will probably never receive an apology from. That’s growth, isn’t it? How many of you can say you’ve forgiven your high school sweetheart for breaking your heart? Did you ever receive an apology for the way he or she treated you? I didn’t think so. Further, have you ever taken the time to acknowledge the pain you experienced because of such an event? Not many people have, really. Now, I’m not judging whatsoever; I’m admitting that I’ve been there; I’m admitting I’m there now.
I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked I was during my DETOX. It wasn’t the FOOD detox. It wasn’t the smoking detox, either. It was the SHEDDING of my clogged uterus that caused a complete and utter melt down. It’s been about two weeks since I experienced this melt down and I’m still angry when I revisit the emotions, pain and confusion of the entire situation. It was horrible, really. But, I need to get this out and I cannot keep putting it aside. I have tried over and over to find things to keep me occupied, but I cannot do it any longer.
So, there I was, forcing bleeding. The pain I experienced and the amount of blood I discharged reminded me of when I had a miscarriage, my junior year in high school. I was almost 4 months pregnant when I lost it. The father, a boy I met the winter break before the first year of high school, was the love of my life. We had a typical high school relationship and typical high school drama. Well, when I told him I had miscarried our baby, I think I choose the wrong time and place to tell him. In the middle of class is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend you had a miscarriage. Okay, lessoned learned, I won’t do that again. Well, when I told him, he said, “I don’t care! It’s probably not mine anyways.” Ouch, right?! I flipped out on him and … long story short … we fought. It was so bad, we were pushed into the hallway, where I charged him and he caught me in a headlock. The first thing that came to mind was to bite; so I did. Ouch! I took a chunk of skin out of the left side of that man’s waist.
I never mourned the loss of my child with him – until now. I never thought about it much after that. My relationship with him changed, of course. We fought all the time. We didn’t spend much time together either. It was probably 8 months later when I finally talked to him again after that fight. He wasn’t around much during my senior year. He only started coming around again when the car hit me. Well, he eventually left me for good and I have held so much anger and hatred toward him this entire time. The heartache of losing my child and then losing him for good was so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m seriously having a hard time writing this blog.
All I really know is that I’ve forgiven him, finally, for leaving me. I understand why he did. It was too difficult. Instead of fighting with me, because that’s all we really did, he left. How can I be mad at that still? Yeah, writing that made me smile. Acknowledging that I’ve forgiven him makes me lighter. I honestly feel I’ve released something that’s been bottled up for over 15 years. I’m making room for positive, more brighter things. Forgiving him gave me so much peace. I will probably never get an apology from him, and that’s okay. You have no idea how amazing that is for me. I’ve told myself for many years that I would never forgive him. I promised myself to never forgive him because he didn’t deserve that. But really? Why would I want something that powerful to take so much of my energy? I need to use that energy for something loving. Instead of hating him and wishing him nothing but ill things, I’ve decided to love him and respect him. He deserves that.
Yeah! So, I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me. To do that, I had to relive the hurt. I had to figure out why I was so hurt. I had to remember my miscarriage. I had to recall the feeling of his flesh between my teeth – EW, right?! – I have not worked through any of this yet, however. Okay, I’ve mourned the death of my unborn child. I’ve called out his name, Dravin Allen H&#(@N, with love and care. I apologized to him (or her) for not giving him the opportunity to be my child. However, I also admitted that I was grateful it never happened. I’d have a 15 year old. I probably wouldn’t be living in my beautiful home. I would probably still be in the shit hole town I grew up in, seeing the same people from high school. Not quite the life I wanted to live. I’m happy not to have a 15 year old. I’m happy the father and I aren’t together, living in a small broken down apartment somewhere fighting all the time and struggling to buy diapers for our other children. Doesn’t sound fun or pleasing. I’m good with not having a child right now.
What I need to work on next is the abandonment and betrayal feelings that came along with these events. To top it off, I also have to deal with abandonment and betrayal issues in my life right now, not just in my past. I’m fighting the urge to throw up my walls and block people out of my life again. I’m not though! I also need to work on forgiving myself for biting him. I have to work on my anger and anxiety problems. I cannot allow myself to get so angry anymore. I need to notice when I’m getting that stressed out before it gets to that point. When I notice it, I need to have the courage to call out to someone. I need to call out to someone before it gets to the point that I’m punching walls. I shouldn’t be punching walls anymore. I need to find a way to let go of my anxieties and fears. I’ve stopped smoking, so that’s good, but it was my go to when I was anxious about something. I can’t do that anymore – I won’t do that anymore.
Having to find new, healthier habits is a hard thing to do. I want to start doing things with my hands. I’ve never built or created things with my hands. I just don’t know what I’m going to enjoy enough to pick up. I’ve started a patch work skirt project, so we’ll see how far this goes. I want to learn how to play an instrument, too. Maybe the guitar? How about the flute? OH! Drums, yeah! But these things won’t help when I’m at school, work, or in Haiti. So, I’m brainstorming some ideas – if you have any suggestions – please share them with me, thanks!
That’s a lot, I know! It’s fulfilling for me to share all of that with you, the reader. I may not know you and we may never talk, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have shared one of the most heartbreaking stories with complete strangers who have somewhat become my family. You’ve learned so much about me throughout these blogs that I can’t help but feel some kind of connection with you. I’ve read some of your blogs too. I appreciate that connection. Even for the reader who knows me and has talked to me personally – maybe even more then talking, I appreciate you too. I encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your heartaches. Forgive those who you’ll never receive an apology from. Mourn the loss of all those people who have died. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to release it. It’s okay to admit it. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get through some of it, but believe me, it’s so worth it. I feel better right this second then I did when I went skinning dipping and FOUND my pagan path. The release of such heartbreaking things has given me more strength that I know what to do with. Yeah, of course I’m still scared and fearful of many things, but I feel now that I’ve let go of so much, I have the opportunity to fill it up with something different.
You can do it too! I honestly believe the more we admit we have been heartbroken, the more we can love and be loved in the future. That’s really all we want, right? We just want to be loved. We want to love too. But, if we don’t love ourselves first, we cannot love others or allow others to truly love us. We need to accept the events in our past and be as okay as we can be with them. Of course, some major events might never be okay. Sometimes the pain is too deep and the conscious mind cannot filter through it. Therefore, that’s when dreams and meditation come in handy. The last three weeks, I have done so much meditation because there was no way to safely go through the heartache of my miscarriage. Now, I will focus on other pains and meditate on getting better.
I am still heartbroken. I am still angry. I am still sad. I’ve been telling myself for the past four days that I am on the happy side of the crappy realm. I’m walking aimlessly through life right now, just floating around, over thinking everything and somewhat enjoying it. I know myself well enough to know that I have about another week of this and I will begin to heal. By the time I write my next blog, I’ll probably be on the crappy side of the happy realm. Little by little, things will get easier.
*Many Bright, Beautiful Blessings
ACoJB prides itself on *positive attributions* towards the journey of healing and wellness, which involves the client’s truth and balance focusing on a more holistic approach to life, love, and personal lessons. It's a *bittersweet blend* of Bay Area street attitude mixed with PTSD, sexual trauma, college education, advocacy for systems change, peer support, healing, wellness, and unconditional love.
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