To what extent do we allow the opinions of others to interfere with our life? The choices I’ve made throughout my adult life (let’s say the last 8 years), have been made with consideration of others. I weighed the options of how my decisions would affect the people in my life. It was difficult to do, but I did it often. Since last year’s breakdown/breakthrough and the effect it had on my overall way of life, I’ve found myself making choices that best suits me and my needs. I thought making choices for my own life’s happiness was selfish, but it turns out it’s not. I can’t allow people to interfere with my happiness any longer. I always took the passenger seat when it concerned life choices. I allowed other people to provide me with a path and I just followed them on it. I thought it worked pretty well, but I was wrong.
It’s been a year since I graduated with a B.S. in anthropology. I haven’t come to terms with that yet. I haven’t really seen the accomplishment of it yet. I’m the first in my family to get a degree; and that hasn’t sunk in either. But it’s been a year since completing that 7-year journey of a college education. It’s strange, really. Going to school wasn’t even my idea. I never really wanted an education; it was just something to do. The colleges I picked were because they were close to either family or friends. I didn’t research my college options. I didn’t even research a degree I wanted; I just took random classes and someone said I’d easily graduate with this degree or that degree. It wasn’t like I said, “I’m going to school for journalism and anthropology.” Not even a little bit. I moved from state to state because someone wanted me to. I got involved with programs on campus because someone said I’d be good at it. I traveled to Haiti because someone caught my attention. Things in my life have happened because of other people’s influence on me.
It wasn’t until I graduated, lost my home, became homeless, and distanced myself from many friends that I realized my happiness wasn’t real happiness. I was always traveling someone else’s road and I needed to build my own road. I needed to find out what made me happy. So, I set forth on a mental journey of what made me happy. You see, before college, I was a warehouse worker. I was a prostitute. I was a young woman lost in many ways. I realized though, my true happiness was tucked away in those memories. Traveling back to my old memories buried deep within my heart and soul shined so much light on my situation. I found my happiness. I found the path that was set forth many years ago. Revisiting that path reminded me of what I truly wanted in life. Let me tell you, it’s stronger and more powerful than I could have ever imagined.
The love for life, appreciation for life, and outright praise for life I am learning right now is like nothing I could have ever dreamt up. It’s beyond anything I thought possible. Do I owe it to someone else for these newly developed “ah ha” moments? No. I owe it to myself. I owe it to the Universe. I owe it to God. Being happy isn’t about what you have or how much money you can claim. Happiness isn’t about who is or isn’t your friend. Happiness isn’t about where you live or what you drive. I’ve learned that happiness is about HOW you live. Happiness is about HOW you feel about yourself. Happiness is about accepting the flaws of yourself.
Along the journey of revisiting my memories, I accepted my past on a level that gave me the courage to reach out to someone I am now falling in love with. He’s an old friend. I have missed him over the years. Being in contact with him again has brought so much into my life. He’s become my best friend. He’s become my cheerleader. He’s become my … shall I say it … everything. There, I said it. I am in love with this man. And, to the joys of it all, he’s in love with me too. I fear I am over romanticizing it though. I fear I am getting back into my routine of allowing other people to direct my path. I fear I am making choices based on other people’s opinion or input. But, this … I don’t think so. In fact, I know so.
The road of memories I revisited is now becoming a road of future aspirations. I’m not rebuilding my life’s path, I am building on my life’s path. The foundation was already set. Honestly, I believe it’s God’s Will. I was meant to go through the stages of my life so it would prepare me for the life I am building with this man. I just recently became a truck driver. I am traveling the U.S. highways and delivering goods so consumers can have their things. The skills I am learning as a truck driver is building on top of the skills I learned as a shipping and receiving supervisor. Warehouse work, truck stops, big 18-wheelers, and the filthiness that comes with it all is where my happiness is. Writing letters to my man, reading his written thought process, and having 15-minute phone calls is where I’m finding my happiness. I’ve realized my happiness is with him. My happiness is in his embrace, his kisses, and the feel of his hands again. Nobody told me to reach out to him. In fact, many have told me not to stay in contact with him. Nobody told me to try truck driving as a career. Nobody suggested I get ride of all my belongings and live out of a truck. Nobody guided me to this place I am at right now. I am here because I want to be here. I am living my life this way because it makes me happy. I am falling in love with someone because my true life’s happiness awaits me.