My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

A Year of Change

I have lost many friends and experienced many broken bonds in just the last year alone. I’ve been told that if those bonds were broken they were never real in the first place. They were all real at one point. People grow apart. People change and sometimes we can’t figure out how to continue connecting when sparks are flying. It becomes two negative charges trying to connect; it just doesn’t work. Things happen within our lives and we perceive things differently. We make choices based off a multitude of reasons, and sometimes people make mistakes. Bonds break. Once powerful knots are untied or severed. It happens, right? True friendship existed at one point. Unconditional love was present throughout the time spent together.

Things must change …

The summer 2013 was when I did my detox; it was extremely painful; I was alone throughout the beginning. I wasn’t supposed to be though; I felt the first sting of betrayal during this time. Support was not there, at first. Eventually, I reached out to a lifer. She listened as I cried, and she helped me make sense of the craziness of my hormones and thoughts. Looking back to those days, I see how it’s shaped me into who I am today. Things said by those who loved me at one point and experiencing the recovery of a 15-year-old death changed me. I am the one who changed. When another, unexpected person showed concern about my health and well being, it changed me even more. Again, a year later, I see how the voice of that individual helped create the person I am today. That particular voice has become the driving force of my future ambitions.

I must change …

Detaching from the old and forgiving the sorrows of my previous choices, I found myself free from the dark shadows of my damaged soul. I was no longer held down by my past. I did not allow myself to live in my past any longer. Instead, it was a part of me – I allowed the sorrow to become a part of my newly found love for myself. As I shed and released the collection of my past, I became a different person. My thoughts were different. My spiritual practice was different. My ambitions changed. My focus was on myself, finally. I talked to my ancestors, and they spoke to me. I connected to a higher realm. Experiencing that cleanse with the two supportive and surprising voices helped me connect to my higher self. It’s difficult to see all this, a year later, because one of those gentle voices has also become one that has left me.

Lives must change …

The winter 2013 was when I went to Haiti. This trip, nearly a year later, has changed me even more than any experience I ever had. It’s tied to my detox in many ways. The moon rituals I started during my cleanse traveled with me to Haiti. I spent the last full moon of 2013 on the beach of Haiti. My ancestors were with me. I was visited by previous connections to past realms. Further, that strong, now missing voice kept me grounded as well as brought me home many nights. I experienced a transcendence that to this day has yet to make sense to me. It is because of these things that have brought me to where I am today. My vision has changed. The social goggles that I was raised with have been broken and replaced by a pair of contacts. I no longer have my boxed frames getting in the way of the eternal vision. It’s because of my trip to Haiti and the combination of my past and present that has me making great strides to accomplish the future I see for myself.

Action must change …

I have heard a definition of insanity as doing something the same way and expecting different results. The spring of 2014 has now become the striving force of my insanity. Better yet, it’s become the biggest mistake of my past addictions and bad choices. I made many mistakes. The outcome has become the reason I no longer trust my instincts, intuition, and empathy. This particular situation has become the largest void of my internal being. Not even my ancestors or the full moon can help me heal from this one. It simply just is a part of me now. As I travel further and pursue my dreams, all of the things that have helped me be the person I am today will be a part of me.

To change is to grow …

Summer 2014 is just about over. The trees have been kissed lightly by fall. I see the change in seasons. I am guided by those changes. I follow the moon cycle. I hear the call of the birds and the screaming of our Mother’s voice. One year has passed since the ending of my detox. I started this blog for the reason of my detox. Because of the changing force of my passion and vision, I went back and forth about changing the reason of this blog. I don’t think I can change it. These writings are for me to express the struggle of a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), an empathic woman, and someone who has many important things to say. It started with my detox. It transcended from that to an ancestral connection, traveling spirits, and eventually falling deeply in love.

Change is hard …

It’s been a seven year cycle of me being a student. This is the first fall term in seven years that I am not scheduling my next term. I graduated. Now what? It’s been a traveling vacation and unknown destinations so far. Right now, I am in Colorado. I pray I can find a place throughout the winter. I am homeless. Yes, maybe by choice – kind of. I couldn’t afford rent. I was bailed out a couple of times, but after graduation – and without the financial aid assistance – I couldn’t do it. I had work lined up, but I noticed the suicidal depression of my addiction and I had to leave. I’m sure the Winter of 2014 would have taken my life if I stayed stagnant. I left. I decided to jump and follow my new visions. It’s terrifying and quite lonely. I am the Ronin. With the loss of close friends (and non-friends) over the year, I now see it as a new opportunity to gather the pieces that shattered and find peace within myself. I have decided to internalize again. I have made the choice to keep the matters of my heart to myself. It was by choice I walked away without a fight. It was a hard decision to make, but my vision will stay mine. Sharing the insight, lessons learned, and new ambitions developed will be easy, but to give my secrets away and share my passion with others will probably not happen for a while. Details don’t matter right now. All that matters is that I am reconstructing my thoughts, aspiration, and faith because my focus has changed. As I said, my vision has changed; I have changed.

Change is inevitable …

It isn’t change that we fear because everything is forever changing. Nothing is ever the same after time passes – not even time itself can stay the same. The thing people fear about change is the unknown. The unknown is scary. The unknown is a terrifying place to live. I’ve noticed that the strong, silent voice that was once in my reality but now only in my subconscious, has become my saving grace. Focusing on picking up the pieces that shattered throughout my cavern’s floor is what is keeping me from fearing the unknown and completely freaking out about my situation. I am not thinking about the unknown. I am thinking about how my puzzle has expanded. It still isn’t complete, of course, but there’s an entirely new scene painted on the canvas of my life’s work. Why fear something that is out of my control? Why worry about what can’t be changed? Why fear change? Instead of focusing on the unknown, focus on what is. If the life that is doesn’t make you smile in some way, change it! Don’t fear it, just change it. People will become distant. People will disappear. People may or may not support you. People will call you names, tell you how wrong you are, and even try to give you false promises. I’ve learned it’s because they don’t understand. I’ve learned it’s because the fear people associate with change isn’t really change, but fear of not trusting themselves to jump and follow their own dreams. I’ve learned it’s because I am a pain in the ass and when I have my sights set on something I’m passionate about, I’m nearly unstoppable. I’ll get knocked around. I’ll cry. I’ll get angry and try to force things I feel to be true. I have lost. But in the end of it all, I have won more than I lost. It was because I don’t fear the unknown. I trusted my faith that grew during my detox and travel to Haiti. That’s why I’m able to follow my dreams and reconstruct my thoughts. It was because of those amazing experiences and supportive voices that allowed me to see a different vision for myself.

I’ve changed my mind … therefore, I have changed my life
I’m on the pursuit of happiness
Change is my happiness
What’s your happiness?

Quickie

As I wake from my peaceful slumber, I am graciously reminded that forgiveness is not for the anyone but ones self! I have forgiven much from my past. It isn’t for anyone else, but me. I seek peace, love, and beauty in my life! The people who I allow in my inner circle will also help with having those things in my life.

This detox has taught me many things … Lets analyze this quickly

Physical … I’m in control of my body. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how to eat. I choose to eat healthier things and stay active (as active as possible) … … My body is damaged and needs to be healed. I’m the only person to do that! So, I’m doing it!

Emotional … Now, this is a biggie! It is okay to cry! I have a problem with allowing people to see me cry, but that’s not fair to me to have that discomfort. Honestly, crying in front of people opened an entire new POV … … I now know I need to find some kind of anger management. When I feel the need to get angry, I have to allow it to flow through me. I suppress my anger because I’m afraid of what I will do with it. Not anymore! My anger is there for a reason and I need to tap into it every so often so I don’t explode … … There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not passionate about something. I’m a powerful, forceful and sometimes too much for people. It’s who I am. There’s nothing I can do about that except find balance within my own emotional state of mind and reality! Working on it …

Spiritual … Now, here’s another buggy! I do not need to add people to my ritual. That is too important to me to share with anyone right now. I cannot … I will not … Practice with someone for awhile. I need to stay solitary and find a routine and practice of my own. No more sharing!

Mindfulness … My inner core is healing; I am nursing it. My spirit is awake; I am making it breakfast. My body is speaking; I am listening. My thoughts are random; I laugh at them … … … I am in control of my thoughts. Thoughts become ideas. Ideas become conversation. Conversation becomes action. Action is life! So, in order for me to live the best life I can, I need to have different thoughts. I am mindful or a lot!

There’s more, of course. This was only a quickie. Today I start the beginning of my future. All from my past doesn’t matter. I do not need to dig any deeper. I dug. I found most of what I was looking for. I was dirty with dirt from yesteryear. I’m now clean with the soap of my future! It feels different to think about things from my past. No more hate. No more bitterness. I’ve forgiven those who have caused me pain… Not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it!

I’m good with that 😉

I’m working on a powerful message … Stay tuned, for more will reveal itself!

Many bright blessings, readers!

Go for it

As I rest from a busy day sewing my new patch-work skirt I’m making from five other random skirts I had that I loved but couldn’t wear them because they were torn and stained, I’m thinking about my past present and future. I’m thinking about how the past is something that’s happened and there is nothing we can do about any of it, so we should accept it, right? I’m thinking that all the things from my past brought me to this exact moment in my life and I can honestly say that I have accepted my past. I’m thinking since I have finally accepted my past and I’m blessed in the present, what exactly will my future bare? What’s next? I’ve learned to love myself and others, even if I never get an apology. I’ve learned how to love my neighbor. I have learned how to plant a tree and upkeep a decent garden. I’ve experienced loss of a loved one. I know the pain of betrayal and heartache. But none of it affects me anymore. They’re just things that have happened. Good and bad. It’s all me. I’m very happy with me, so I must be okey with my past. It’s strange, really. I am still trying to understand it myself. Even though I’m hurting, have been hurt and will get hurt again, I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I’m still mourning and shedding some hurt, so I’m still working through this particular pain release, but I’m still grateful, hopeful and I’m still excited about my future. I have set some things in motion that will most likely be things that will last long term in my life. I’m talking 10 year goals have been set into motion this year! Five year goals have been established, researched and brainstormed. Action will come soon. I am doing exactly what I did when I had my nervousness breakdown in 2006/2007 … That’s five/six years ago… I’ve accomplished most of the dreams I set forth then. I have to make new goals and dream new dreams! That’s what I’ve been doing. And I am so excited about my future. I am so excited to see how the next 5 months will mold me into the woman I will be in 10 years. DUDE! That’s insane, right?!? My first test is this weekend. No! No! No! My first test was a couple of months ago when I was with a wonderful man. I succeeded at that test. This weekend marks the second test. If I succeed at the level I did on my first test. There will be no stopping me! I am so excited I could hardly contain myself. But I still have a couple of days that I need to pay attention to. I have to be in the moment … Not the future! I need to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how excited I am about my next test, I need to have conversations and events with a couple of people without my excited getting in the way! BE IN THE MOMENT!

So, the point of this blog is to encourage you, the reader, to go for your dream! Set goals and do all you can to accomplish those goals. It really does make you feel good about life. Just go for it! Take a leap. It doesn’t matter how big or how small it is, but move forward. Ask yourself if you’re happy nothing has changed for the last three years. Are you the same, habit forming, person you were three years ago? If you are, you have grown very much as a person. Go for it! What’s stopping you? Really … What’s really stopping you? All I’m saying is go out and accomplish something. Accomplishments make us feel better because we’ve worked and succeeded. It’s really empowering, really. Try it. Go for it. The important thing to remember is this … If you “fail” at your goal don’t you dare give up. Brush yourself off and try again. Figure out what got in the Wayne you accomplishing your gaol. When you figure that out, don’t let it stop you this time. I have faith you can do it. Whatever it is!

Set a goal
Research said goal
Act on goal
Reap benefits

*blessed be*

Holding onto The Hurt for Too Long ~ Letting Go ~ Releasing The Pain

This blog will be a free write. You’re warned! I’m probably not going to hold back much. I might over share, but please visit the FIRST THREE paragraphs of my previous blog. They apply here! ~ Here I go  ~

Fifteen years later and I’m finally mourning the death of my unborn child. I finally came to terms with that situation and forgave a man I will probably never receive an apology from. That’s growth, isn’t it? How many of you can say you’ve forgiven your high school sweetheart for breaking your heart? Did you ever receive an apology for the way he or she treated you? I didn’t think so. Further, have you ever taken the time to acknowledge the pain you experienced because of such an event? Not many people have, really. Now, I’m not judging whatsoever; I’m admitting that I’ve been there; I’m admitting I’m there now.

I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked I was during my DETOX. It wasn’t the FOOD detox. It wasn’t the smoking detox, either. It was the SHEDDING of my clogged uterus that caused a complete and utter melt down. It’s been about two weeks since I experienced this melt down and I’m still angry when I revisit the emotions, pain and confusion of the entire situation. It was horrible, really. But, I need to get this out and I cannot keep putting it aside. I have tried over and over to find things to keep me occupied, but I cannot do it any longer.

So, there I was, forcing bleeding. The pain I experienced and the amount of blood I discharged reminded me of when I had a miscarriage, my junior year in high school. I was almost 4 months pregnant when I lost it. The father, a boy I met the winter break before the first year of high school, was the love of my life. We had a typical high school relationship and typical high school drama. Well, when I told him I had miscarried our baby, I think I choose the wrong time and place to tell him. In the middle of class is probably not the best time to tell your boyfriend you had a miscarriage. Okay, lessoned learned, I won’t do that again. Well, when I told him, he said, “I don’t care! It’s probably not mine anyways.” Ouch, right?! I flipped out on him and … long story short … we fought. It was so bad, we were pushed into the hallway, where I charged him and he caught me in a headlock. The first thing that came to mind was to bite; so I did. Ouch! I took a chunk of skin out of the left side of that man’s waist.

I never mourned the loss of my child with him – until now. I never thought about it much after that. My relationship with him changed, of course. We fought all the time. We didn’t spend much time together either. It was probably 8 months later when I finally talked to him again after that fight. He wasn’t around much during my senior year. He only started coming around again when the car hit me. Well, he eventually left me for good and I have held so much anger and hatred toward him this entire time. The heartache of losing my child and then losing him for good was so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m seriously having a hard time writing this blog.

All I really know is that I’ve forgiven him, finally, for leaving me. I understand why he did. It was too difficult. Instead of fighting with me, because that’s all we really did, he left. How can I be mad at that still? Yeah, writing that made me smile. Acknowledging that I’ve forgiven him makes me lighter. I honestly feel I’ve released something that’s been bottled up for over 15 years. I’m making room for positive, more brighter things. Forgiving him gave me so much peace. I will probably never get an apology from him, and that’s okay. You have no idea how amazing that is for me. I’ve told myself for many years that I would never forgive him. I promised myself to never forgive him because he didn’t deserve that. But really? Why would I want something that powerful to take so much of my energy? I need to use that energy for something loving. Instead of hating him and wishing him nothing but ill things, I’ve decided to love him and respect him. He deserves that.

Yeah! So, I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me. To do that, I had to relive the hurt. I had to figure out why I was so hurt. I had to remember my miscarriage. I had to recall the feeling of his flesh between my teeth – EW, right?! – I have not worked through any of this yet, however. Okay, I’ve mourned the death of my unborn child. I’ve called out his name, Dravin Allen H&#(@N, with love and care. I apologized to him (or her) for not giving him the opportunity to be my child. However, I also admitted that I was grateful it never happened. I’d have a 15 year old. I probably wouldn’t be living in my beautiful home. I would probably still be in the shit hole town I grew up in, seeing the same people from high school. Not quite the life I wanted to live. I’m happy not to have a 15 year old. I’m happy the father and I aren’t together, living in a small broken down apartment somewhere fighting all the time and struggling to buy diapers for our other children. Doesn’t sound fun or pleasing. I’m good with not having a child right now.

What I need to work on next is the abandonment and betrayal feelings that came along with these events. To top it off, I also have to deal with abandonment and betrayal issues in my life right now, not just in my past. I’m fighting the urge to throw up my walls and block people out of my life again. I’m not though! I also need to work on forgiving myself for biting him. I have to work on my anger and anxiety problems. I cannot allow myself to get so angry anymore. I need to notice when I’m getting that stressed out before it gets to that point. When I notice it, I need to have the courage to call out to someone. I need to call out to someone before it gets to the point that I’m punching walls. I shouldn’t be punching walls anymore. I need to find a way to let go of my anxieties and fears. I’ve stopped smoking, so that’s good, but it was my go to when I was anxious about something. I can’t do that anymore – I won’t do that anymore.

Having to find new, healthier habits is a hard thing to do. I want to start doing things with my hands. I’ve never built or created things with my hands. I just don’t know what I’m going to enjoy enough to pick up. I’ve started a patch work skirt project, so we’ll see how far this goes. I want to learn how to play an instrument, too. Maybe the guitar? How about the flute? OH! Drums, yeah! But these things won’t help when I’m at school, work, or in Haiti. So, I’m brainstorming some ideas – if you have any suggestions – please share them with me, thanks!

 

PHEW!

 

That’s a lot, I know! It’s fulfilling for me to share all of that with you, the reader. I may not know you and we may never talk, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have shared one of the most heartbreaking stories with complete strangers who have somewhat become my family. You’ve learned so much about me throughout these blogs that I can’t help but feel some kind of connection with you. I’ve read some of your blogs too. I appreciate that connection. Even for the reader who knows me and has talked to me personally – maybe even more then talking, I appreciate you too. I encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your heartaches. Forgive those who you’ll never receive an apology from. Mourn the loss of all those people who have died. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to release it. It’s okay to admit it. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get through some of it, but believe me, it’s so worth it. I feel better right this second then I did when I went skinning dipping and FOUND my pagan path. The release of such heartbreaking things has given me more strength that I know what to do with. Yeah, of course I’m still scared and fearful of many things, but I feel now that I’ve let go of so much, I have the opportunity to fill it up with something different.

You can do it too! I honestly believe the more we admit we have been heartbroken, the more we can love and be loved in the future. That’s really all we want, right? We just want to be loved. We want to love too. But, if we don’t love ourselves first, we cannot love others or allow others to truly love us. We need to accept the events in our past and be as okay as we can be with them. Of course, some major events might never be okay. Sometimes the pain is too deep and the conscious mind cannot filter through it. Therefore, that’s when dreams and meditation come in handy. The last three weeks, I have done so much meditation because there was no way to safely go through the heartache of my miscarriage. Now, I will focus on other pains and meditate on getting better.

I am still heartbroken. I am still angry. I am still sad. I’ve been telling myself for the past four days that I am on the happy side of the crappy realm. I’m walking aimlessly through life right now, just floating around, over thinking everything and somewhat enjoying it. I know myself well enough to know that I have about another week of this and I will begin to heal. By the time I write my next blog, I’ll probably be on the crappy side of the happy realm. Little by little, things will get easier.

*Many Bright, Beautiful Blessings