I’m angry, not destructive …

Anger management is a challenge.

I tell myself, “Take a deep breath.”

I do it.

Nope, I’m still angry.

I take another deep breath.

“Through your nose, out your mouth.”

Nope, now I’m angrier than before.

I can’t calm my anger with deep breathing.

I feel my heart start to race.

I feel my breathing become more like asthma.

I close my eyes.

I envision I’m punching something.

Pain. Adrenaline. Deep breathe.

I do not punch a wall.

I pinch myself.

Pain. Not enough.

I tell myself, “Manage your anger.”

I can’t.

I’m too angry to manage it.

Managing it makes me angry.

Breathing makes me angry.

“Fuck! There’s the anxiety.”

Heart rate continues to go up and deep breathing isn’t helping.

Here come the negative thoughts.

It’s been over an hour and I’m still angry.

Why can’t I calm my anger?

Why am I still angry?

Then it happens.

I cry.

Uncontrollable, hyperventilating tears fall down my cheeks.

Unhappiness, frustration, and the feeling of failure are all too familiar struggles. When it all comes boiling down to one particular moment, I get angry. I can get so angry that I refuse to identify the real, underlining issue, which makes me even angrier. I used to be a cutter because of this uncontrollable sense of anger that flows through me.

So passionate.

So much passion I can’t contain.

I cry harder.

I pinch harder.

I’m still angry.

I can’t breath.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

Pain. Release. Calm.

Nothing is helping.

I’m tired.

I can’t do it anymore.

The anger has won for now.

I cry.

I pinch myself.

I will not cut.

I am angry.

I will not punch a wall.

I am angry.

I admit my anger has gotten the best of me.

I accept it.

I will overcome it soon.

I am angry.

I am not destructive.

Revisiting my past is building my future

          The topic of discussion is depression, fear, struggles of falling in love, revisiting the past, and the hardships of keeping ones shit together when it seems their entire life is falling apart. My discussion is, of course, centered on my recent life events; I say recent, indicating the last two years, really. I’m going to start this discussion with my detoxification of my uterus. There isn’t a fiber of my being that wasn’t affected by that experience. My body has obviously changed. My mind is not the same. My spirit has taken on a new course of responsibility. I am not the same person I was when I started the process in 2013. I never expected the shit to happen the way it has, and I’m beyond grateful for how it’s all happened. I now have a working reproductive system, and I did it by myself. I didn’t go to any doctors, and I sure as hell didn’t have any procedures that would allow objects to scrap the inside of my body. Nope! I prayed. I meditated. I soaked in the light of the full moon. I spoke to my ancestors. I reached out beyond this realm, and I found more than I was asking for.

          With the steps taken during this time, I internalized. I didn’t share my experience with anyone except for two people. One is no longer a part of my life; he’s missed greatly. The other one is still very prominent in my life, and I appreciate her more than words can express. I was extremely depressed during this time in my life, and I struggled with a lot of loss. So-called friends distanced themselves from me, too. Not only was I alone, I felt lonely and abandoned. Coming to terms with the loss of my unborn child from 15 years prior, I found a sense of peace within myself. I wasn’t lonely any longer. This uterus cleanse that I did to myself was brutal; I’ve explained this before. Like I said, it wasn’t only physical. This was an entire make over of every aspect of my being. I tapped into my higher self and my lower self. I spoke to my unborn child. I spoke to my previous lives. I identified with my purpose. I knew I was destined to be a mother.

          After I gathered the broken pieces of my life, I started feeling better about myself because I had identified with my past sorrows that were keeping me down. My detox cleared out some major cobwebs of my soul. I started exercising. I picked up yoga again. I found a comfort in being alone. Then, I started planning my trip to Haiti. Being out there continued to shape my thought process; my thoughts changed again. My aspirations grew stronger. I witnessed things I still cannot explain. I honestly believe something from my experiences in Haiti filled the void within my soul that was from the loss of my child. I misread some signs too. Messages that came to me were mixed with a different reality. I made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, of course. And the love that blossomed will forever be a part of me and those involved. Coming home from Haiti and remembering all that I went through that year with my detox, I found myself revisiting my past. I started writing my memoirs.

          This choice, based on my decision making process to take this class my senior year, was the starting point of my entire future. I had spent many years running away from a part of my past that I didn’t want to identify with. I didn’t want my new friends to know about it. But, when I started writing about it, that all changed. With my newfound strength of being alone, and the courage I found within myself from traveling to Haiti, I fell in love. I feel deeply in love. I visited the depth of my soul. I found a lot down there, too. During that journey of deep Jo diving, however, I found something I had forgotten about. Digging down into the depths of my past, I remembered why I was running away. It was a painful thing to identify, and I’m still working on healing from that pain. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, but I learned it, for sure. Love will do that to ya. Upon opening the floodgates of lost love and broken promises, I found myself nearly broken once again.

          More friends distanced themselves because I was being a complete bitch; I was keeping so much internalized again. I still didn’t want to share my past with anyone; it hurt too much. During this time, a little pixie and her son visited me; they kept me alive. They kept me motivated and allowed my inner child to play freely. I didn’t want to be an adult, so I wasn’t. I let myself go completely. I was spiraling down further than any depth I had reached during depression. I kept highly intoxicated so I wouldn’t deal with the pain. I covered it up. Then I realized I had used all my rent money on weed and alcohol; I couldn’t afford to live in that place any longer, and not just financially, but life in general. I am sure I would have taken my own life if I stayed there. I am sure of it. The depression and negativity I was living with would have taken its toll on me; so, I left.

          I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or how I was going to get there. All I knew was that I needed to go. I picked Colorado as my destination, and I made it. And, of course, the depression, past sorrows, and newfound strength all followed me, too. The things I identified with during my detox, trip to Haiti, falling in love, and writing my memoirs has all followed me here. Right now, this very moment, I can still feel the warmth of these experiences. I know my higher being, God Himself, is guiding me on my path. It was my decision to leave a home I loved that has brought me to this place I am at right now; I am homeless. I am struggling. I am scared. I am blessed, honored, and madly in love again. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart is locked up for two more years. The difficult transition I’m in will only bring more warmth and light, I’m sure of it. Digging to the depth of my soul has reminded me of who I am, and I will not hide from that person any longer. I refuse.

          I am not living in my past, not at all, but it is my past that is building my future. I need to remind myself what I’ve done, where I’m from, and why I am who I am. I’ve come a long way since that dirty warehouse worker who got involved in many sexual acts. Even though I can still recall the smell of oil, propane, and wet boxes, I need to identify with where I am today. Even though I can still taste the passionate release of my clients, I need to identify with who I am today. It’s hard though. I struggle with it because I have hidden that part of my past from everyone I ever encountered. It’s not that I’m afraid of judgment, no. What I’m afraid of is expressing my enjoyment. I’m afraid if I express how much I miss my clients, how much I miss giving blow jobs, and how much I want to experience it all again … I’m afraid I’ll go back into the business.

          There is an opportunity that is knocking at my door, and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It’s a revisit of my past, of course. It’s a door reopened. It’s an opportunity for me to learn new skills and make a lot of money. I need to recognize that I am not reliving my past. I need to realize that my choices now are based on knowledge of self, knowledge of other, and knowledge of how society works. As a college graduate, who studied anthropology, I am sure to follow this dream and not make the same mistakes I made before. It’s terrifying though. The fear is what’s making me do it. I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am scared out of my mind right now, I wouldn’t be following this hidden dream. I wouldn’t be playing with the hidden gem I found while I dug to the depths of my soul. If it wasn’t for this fear, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to do God’s work. I wouldn’t be writing this blog, right now …

A Righteous Path of Faith, Self Reflection and Homelessness

What does one do when they realize they might have fucked up? Laugh! I find myself laughing! I catch myself dancing. I still pray often; in fact, I started reading the bible for the first time ever. I am always writing. And, I tell myself that “This too shall pass.”

Did I fuck up though? Am I a fuck up? That self-dialog does tend to come sneaking in when I’m feeling lost. You see, depression is no joke, and when one is homeless, sleeping in their car or crashing on the couches of strangers, one must ask … What went wrong? Where did I mess up? How did I get here? Then, the anxiety sneaks in and breathing become so difficult. Breathing is hard. Oh the sting and fear of suicide is still there. Those thoughts will always be there. But I’m stronger than that.

I am stronger than that, indeed!

My ego and pride are out the window at this point. My weakness is my strength. To admit that the situation I am in is absolutely from my own choices. I blame nobody but myself. Yeah, I did this. To admit that says a lot. I don’t blame the system. I don’t blame the choices of other people. I don’t blame the trauma from my childhood. I don’t blame any of it. Actually, I don’t even blame myself I guess.

This is my life right now. I just graduated less than a year ago and I’m officially homeless. It’s strange. I have a car – which has radiator problems, of course (lol) – but I have a car. I have food. I have clothes on my back. And I have a new friend’s roof over my head for now. That little girl within myself that I’ve been tending to over the years is safe. The strong woman I have become is responsible for only myself. I do not have children (yet), and I have the loving support of a strong man behind me.

I’m scared though. I know I won’t be able to live this way for long. Not having a safe place to rest my head on a regular basis will take its toll on my life and spiritual strength. I am still weak. I am still afraid. I am confused. I am loved, supported, and respected by my peers. The Universe has brought me to this place and I have accepted it fully. When I’m in my moment, I feel a sense of calm. Even with the anxiety attacks from sleeping in my backseat when it’s 12 degrees outside, there’s a sense of love and light.

Homelessness is not a choice. I have two jobs. I’m working on many things but I have very little cash. I’m in debt, I have no credit, and home is far far away. It’s up to me now to get myself out of this situation I’ve put myself into. I know this. Nobody is going to bail me out this time. My tight support group has become smaller and smaller as time goes on, and right now I question those who once considered themselves loyal friends. It’s strange that I have revisited an old love from 10+ years ago, which has brought me to a place I never thought possible.

My next step will need to be thought out and strategically planned because the next journey I set forth for myself will also be his path, too. Yes, I’m in love. That’s what’s getting me through this homeless situation I am in. It’s where the laughs come from. His love has brought dancing back into my daily life. I have found God because of this man, and there’s nothing that can happen in my life that will break me down. The love we have built and revisited has given me the strength and encouragement that I need to further this path of righteousness of self reflection, homelessness, and faith.

We are doing God’s work.
We are students of His.
We will continue to work with the love and light we have together, even when I’m homeless and he’s … well, he’s stuck right now.
My guardians and spirit guides are telling me stay put and focus on myself for awhile; so that’s what I’m doing…

Oh, and I’m still writing about that Bay Area Harlot I once was ❤ Publications soon, y’all!

It’s time for … a quickie, of course

Sexual passions

Do you know it? Do you know that release of pure enjoyment and ecstasy? I only ask because that’s what I thrive on – well, that’s what I used to thrive on, at least.

For many years I focused on that passionate release, and now it’s taken me to a road of writing and encouragement. I always said, “I’ll never move back to the Bay Area,” And here I am planning my life to further my dream of living there again. Nothing is concrete, but I cannot explain to you how my memoirs have pushed me through into an entirely different – but oh so perfect – direction in life.

After graduation, I was pissed off with everything because the system is so corrupt. I didn’t want to be part of it. I still don’t. I’m talkin’ rEVOLution. I’m talkin’ commUNITY. I’m talkin’ pure light and love, y’all. Unconditional love, compassion, and the ability to talk through our struggles. I’m talkin’ prison outreach. I’m talkin’ motivational speaking. I’m talkin’ youth mentorship. I’m talkin’ LIVING THE DREAM!!! We all have a dream, right? I’m now working on accomplishing the goals and dreams I have set forth. And, by the looks of things, there’s a kingdom waiting for Us…

Dream big, please!

Take a step forward, please.

Forget about the fear, please!

I promise you … moving forward to accomplish a dream is the best thing in the world. I encourage all of you to start living your dreams because it’s about time we start living in a place of light and love … Many blessings, y’all!

More will come, of course. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone anywhere. My book is in it’s last stages of edit and this Bay Area Harlot will tell her freaky tale … Much love!

Let’s recap, rethink, reprocess, and …

Let’s rewind … Here’s a quick run down of the #CupOfJoBruno I remember. Here’s what I’ve been processing since my detox started over a year ago …

Ages 8-14
People called me Jo Jo. My father had found love elsewhere and my parents divorced. I was listening to 2 live crew since I was 9. I was sexually active by 11. Visiting family back and forth. Threats, fights, and busted windows. Busted lips, thrown screw drivers, and name calling. No need to sneak out, I could just walk out. Spam, white bread, and Mac n Cheese. Listening to mother and her boys by sharing wall space. Ew! Drinking, road trips, molested. Travel over the train tracks. Teachers, rulers, drugs. I met my high school lover …

14-23

Oh high school. No more fights with mom. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Sex and weed. Cartoons, music videos, sex, and weed. Road trips with sex and weed. You get the point! I was in love. Fights at school, miscarriage, he needed stitches. I bit him. Need to go to a continuation school. Sex and weed. Fights with black girls, blow jobs, and math. Senior year I get straight. Must graduate. Attempted to take my life in the kitchen. Knife in place, but photo on fridge stopped me. A fuckin car hits me right before graduation! In hospital while my people walk. Special roses for me. I’m nearly 400 lbs. Old enough to drink, I was back on the streets. Boyfriend not happy. He leaves. Didn’t hear from him for 2 years later.

24-27
Warehousing, prostitution, runnin the streets again! Security guards, iron workers, truck drivers, and supervisors. 76 Chevy step side, XRPM, music, and sex. Drinkin, sexin, and grindin. Had my shit locked down. Nobody knew me! Then he showed up! Damn! We was runnin hard together. Lovers, rulers, and teachers. Shit went down. I ran away. Damn!

27-28
Nervous fuckin break down. Moved away. Hours upon hours walking the fields of an unknown area. Nude bathing, daily blessings in the sun and moon light, and pure silence during a snow storm at 3 in the morning. So many tears, so little conversations, and my body was not being mistreated no more! Realized it was time. I moved back … Not to the streets, nope!

28-33
I’m a student now. Goin to school. Graphic design, writing, journalism, and Black America. Nobody knew me. NOBODY KNEW ME! Did I share my past with anyone? I don’t think I did … Maybe a couple, but nah! Nobody knew me before my break down and spiritual growth. Lifers didn’t start here, y’all were still be tested. No longer around. I was scared, closed off, and nobody got in! Sex? Nah, I’m good. One man got in. Then another man got in. They didn’t know! My Aunty died. I died. I moved. Best friend, university, and showing my true self. Studying, growing, and appreciating nature. Gardening, art parties, and strong beautiful women. Magic, fairies, my hobbit hole. I’m not feeling good. Very sick. Much pain. So scared! I’m alone again … Medical records return. Must do something before it’s too late. Alone, scared, nobody knew! He was there… She was there… Mourning, sadness, and womanhood.

33-34
Detox was brutal. Alone still. He’s there and she’s there! Late nights conversations, planning trips, travel to Haiti. Ronin! Fall in love with the man on the moon. My spirituality grew. Connected to the ancestors. Haitian love, intense feelings of love, and connections made from past lives. Who was I, really? Oh?!?! That’s who I am. Holy shit! I’m fuckin rad, yo! Okay, my head got a little big for a minute, but damn though … I’m lookin good, feelin great, and I want more out of life. I put my plan into action and it worked … Maybe a little too good … Shit went down. Real bad things were said. I realized I was lying to everyone because I was lying to myself. I went back to my street tactics and everyone around me didn’t know what to do. MEMOIRS WERE STARTED! I was doing a school project and I started writing my life story about when I was on the streets. It made me miss a lot. I forgot to separate my life from my story. I was finding me. I enjoyed it. It got crazy. I got crazy. I break down, again because I was back peddling and trying to right my wrongs. I reacted to my regret of actions took. I was in love. Emotions high. Mistakes made. So much pain. What’s that? I’m graduating? I miss my aunt! I miss my best friend. I miss my people. Lifers are presented, others gone. I’m scared still. No money. Can’t afford rent. I was bailed out a few times. I fucked up. Lost my house. Homeless and traveling now. Small, but strong support group…

34-?
I’m taking a step forward … I’m okay … There’s a sense of joy I cannot explain. I’m healing from my mistakes. I cry often, listen to critique, and try to change the characteristics about myself that people seem to have problems with. I’m trying. I’m growing. I’m experiencing something new. I’m sorry! I’m okay. I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m taking a step forward. It’s time…

We have a bleeder …

I hardly know where to start. I don’t quite know how much I want to share with you. There are still things I’m trying to work through. I have to keep asking myself, “What is it I truly want to give to the reader?” “What do I share and how much do I share in order for my point to be made without over sharing?” Then I realized it doesn’t matter! I’m not only writing for you, the reader, I’m writing for me as well. I am using this blog not only to encourage people and empower your minds, but also to release some of my thoughts and many of my stories. I feel it’s time I let my stories be told because it’s obviously time for people to hear them.

If, in fact, I do over share in your personal category of over sharing, I apologize. I apologize you’re not willing to grow and expand your comfort zone. I am sorry you won’t put your fears, judgments and ridicule aside long enough to read my story, regardless of how crude, brutal or straight forward it may be. I’m not going to hold back anymore and I’m not going question myself.

If you’ve kept up with my previous blogs, or if you know me on a personal level, you’re probably asking yourself where all of that came from. Well, it’s come from five days of bleeding. If you’re a new reader check out my previous blogs. I finally bled. After talking to Dr. Jones from VIDA, I realized I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I appreciate Dr. Jones’s advice, but she gave me the same exact advice I received from my other doctors. That’s okay too. So, after talking to her, I decided to double the dose of Black and Blue Cohosh. Well damn! Just two days of doubling the dose (I was taking 30 drops of each, every three hours), I started bleeding. It came fast and it came hard. It went nonstop through the weekend. I spent my time either in bed or on the couch. I have watched so many movies, I don’t even know what to say about myself – lol – But, that’s the only thing I did. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. Everything just hurt! I slept a lot too. I did a lot of deep thinking. I cried a lot. I was scared too. Many memories have come back and it’s brought up an entire part of my life I haven’t worked through yet. This is what I don’t want to share with you, yet. I’m not ready to share that part of my history. Not because I don’t want you to know, but because I don’t know how I feel about it yet. And anyways, it kind of goes off topic. It is, indeed, a topic I will cover, just not now.

So, my experience … This will be graphic at times, but please reread the first two paragraphs … I warned you!

Timeline

Monday the 19th – called doctor

Tuesday the 20th – full moon gazing – started Cohosh before bed

Wednesday the 21st – Doubled dose – yard work – moon gazing – back and breast pain

Thursday the 22nd – Doubled dose – major cramping – tired – back and breast pain

Friday the 23rd – Cohosh in morning – full bleeding – cramping – back and breast pain

Saturday the 24th – Stopped taking Cohosh – major cramping – full bleeding

Sunday the 25th – Repeat of Friday and Saturday combined into one day

Monday the 26th – No cramping – light bleeding

Today, Tuesday the 27th – No cramping – no bleeding

During all of this, I was completely alone. Nobody came to visit me. I only got a couple of phone calls. I only talked to one of them. I texted a few people; hiding my pain from them. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I didn’t want to. The only two people I wanted here were unavailable, so I did what I could by myself. And, I did a lot! I did everything by myself. Not only did that teach me that I don’t have to rely on people as much as I always have, but I’m way capable of taking care of myself. Now, if I had to go through this and I had a child or a full time job I wasn’t able to take time off of, I would have been screwed. There would have been no way I could have gone through what I went through if I had responsibilities. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to just lay down for four days. Then again, I’m proud of myself that even though I was going through so much pain, I still took care of myself when all I wanted to do was punch a wall or go to sleep.

I made myself an awesome set up in the bathroom. I had two 4qt containers with lids filled with distilled water. My friend made me 9 pads out of 100% organic cotton. They were thin pads, but washable and so much nicer then the pads we buy at the store. I had to use four of them at a time and “tape” them to my panties with panty liners. It was messy. There are some alterations I want to try so I can continue using the pads as I continue to bleed (more details on that later). Once I bled through them, I would put them in the distilled water containers. They would soak for about 4 hours, then I would hand wash them and put them in the dryer so they’d be ready for the next round of changing the pads. There was a time I didn’t get around to washing them in time and I had to sit on a bundled up towel. It was uncomfortable and messy but, it worked.

The pain was something I had never experienced before. I tried to find something to compare it to and the only thing I can think of is “This is what getting punched in the abdomen by Tyson feels like.” Not cool, man! Not cool at all! Feeling my femur being pulled into contraction was less painful than this. I seriously wonder if labor pains are like that. Nothing really seemed to work either – except lying on my side and not moving. And, it was only the left side that hurt. I remember when my doctor did an exam on me and she pushed on my abdomen; that was the same area it hurt when she pushed on it. I went back to my test results and everything said my ovaries looked fine and that there were no cysts or growths – so why did it hurt so much? I don’t know! So, that was a concern of mine. I was worried that the Cohosh did something to me. But, I let it go as much as I could and just went with it. If labor pains were like that, I would be a very lazy pregnant woman.

I hardly ate anything, which goes back to my Dr. Oz detox and cleanse experience. The food I bought was supposed to last me the entire month, but most of it went bad before I could eat it. I have an empty fridge. I have plenty of pasta, rice, quinoa and garbanzo beans though. I have no fruits or veggies. Oh! I have some strawberries and pineapple in the freezer. I’m not really hungry anyways. When I do get hungry, I’ll have a piece of gluten free bread with some freshly crushed peanut butter on it. Either that or I’ll have some trail mix. If I’m really hungry, I’ll make some pasta and drizzle olive oil on it. I don’t eat much anymore. I had some coffee this morning, and it made my tummy all bubbly and unhappy. That was interesting. My point is, I think the detox did work in a way. I have put very little garbage in my system since I’ve started this process and maybe the outcome will be that my apatite goes down, extremely. Maybe I’ll find a joy in snacking all day on fruits and veggies then have a nice meal for dinner. Who knows what will come of it. All I know is that I haven’t eaten much this week and I’m feeling pretty good. I had energy today, and I intend on going on a bike ride tomorrow. If it wasn’t for the cramping and back pain, I probably would have been active this weekend. So, I’m looking forward to seeing where my apatite goes from here.

So, back to the pads and bleeding. I enjoyed washing my pads. It was an interesting experience. I thought about what women did 100 years ago. They didn’t have sinks or warm water or a dryer. Shit! Did they even use cloth? It’s really crazy to think about, isn’t it? We have come so far, yet we’re half assed about everything. I much preferred to wash my own pads and reuse them rather then using products from corporate companies. I mean, seriously, most women buy their hygiene products from places like Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s simple. But there’s something to be said about being responsible for your own waste. There’s something powerful about being able to put your hand into a container filled with bloody, distilled water. Call me, weird … Fine! But it was empowering. It would definitely be difficult to be responsible for reusable pads if I was at school or something. But, I think I will find a way to continue using reusable pads in the future. I don’t want to buy pads anymore. I don’t want to give my money to them. So, I’ll find another way!

You may be asking yourself what the point was of putting my pads in distilled water. Well, I watered my garden. HERE is a link I found that has some helpful, interesting input about using menstrual blood as fertilizer for plants. There’s some concern because of the products of human blood, but we’ll see what happens to my plants. Throughout my bleeding process, I went through 12 quarts of water, which means I was able to water my plants three times. I didn’t water any of my plants more than once and I didn’t water any of my eatable plants. It was an interesting process, really. The first time, I watered my morning glory and lamb’s ear plants. The second time, I watered another lamb’s ear and three gardenia plants. The third time I water three random (I don’t know what they’re called) plants and put the rest into compost. It was funny because Cleo followed me out every single time and remarked her territory after I poured my fertilized water onto the plant. She was all shaky tailed and vocal each time. I think she was a bit excited too – I don’t know! Seriously though, if it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done this weekend. So, I guess I was wrong earlier when I said I was alone … I was not alone! 

Throughout this entire process, I did a lot of thinking. OMG did I do a lot of thinking. I have some messages too. I think our female ancestors visited me over the weekend. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked different. I looked into my eyes and I talked to myself. So there I have it again … damn it … I was so not alone this weekend … wow!!! That really puts things into perspective. Sweet! Okay, back to what I was saying before that slap of realization hit me. Our ancestors. The women before us. Our great grandmothers and their great grandmothers were with me. The energy of so many past women visited me. The energy of female deity visited me. I believe women, all over the world, are receiving these messages. It’s not just me. I’m not the only one who is sharing the messages either. All I know is that I am blessed to be a vessel. Even though I have my doubts, fears and concerns about my life does not mean I am going to allow those things to take over my thought process. I went through a lot of struggle in the last two weeks. I’ve had to fight some ugly demons. I’ve released so much already, and now I’m moving on to the next phase of my release. What’s to come is unclear, but who cares! I will work on some more things that I need to release, of course, and I’ll go from there. One day at a time, right?

We are women. We are strong. We are capable. We are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what the tabloids say. It doesn’t matter who’s wearing what during some bullshit awards show. If only women would look at themselves in the mirror more often, what a wonderful world we would live in. Look at yourself naked. Look at yourself without make up on. Know your body. Touch it. Honor it. Love it. Cherish it. Respect it. Have a conversation with yourself. Look at your own eyes and have a conversation with that unknown person in the mirror. “Wow! Why have I never seen your eyes before? They’re beautiful.” Women, seriously! How often do we stare into our partner’s eyes and just feel like we’re floating away somewhere. Even if we’re not with that partner anymore, we know the feeling. Every woman has experienced it! Why not experience that while glancing into your own eyes? We are always searching for love and companionship from others, but what would life be like if we were able to do it for ourselves. Every little freckle is where it’s supposed to be. Every big stretch mark is a reminder of our physical growth. Every awkward scar, curve, or bump is a symbol of our uniqueness. That little indent on my thigh is a warrior’s wound. The funny lookin pinky toe I have on my left foot is only one thing about what makes me who I am. It may affect the way I choose my shoes, but it doesn’t change my ability to help others.

What do other people think about my body? They think it’s beautiful! My last three partners appreciated my body. They enjoyed my body. I honestly believe the reason they enjoyed it so much was because I enjoyed it with them. The last partner I was with really appreciated my body. I told him to though. I told him exactly what I wanted and if he wasn’t willing to give it to me, he wasn’t going to experience any part of me. I demanded it because I’m worth it. We have to be comfortable in our own skin to appreciate life at its highest form. 

What do I think about somebody else’s body? I think it’s beautiful. I think their bodies are beautiful because I know, just like my own body, they have war wounds. Those wars make us who we are as individuals. The more we share those stories, the more we learn about each other and the more we’re able to empower our lives together. It’s not something that happens over night, that’s for sure! I’m still working on my own personal image, and I’ve been mindful about it for over 8 years now. We’re always changing our fashion and our minds. We’re always changing, period! When something doesn’t work, we need to find a way to make it work. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it, of course. But, I believe until we are comfortable in our own bodies, our spiritual forms won’t be able to be completely free. We are not humans experiencing a spiritual moment in time, no; we are spiritual beings experiencing a human moment in time. Things get in the way of that and we start living a social norm life. We lost track of Spirit. It’s time we come back to Spirit.

For me, reconnecting to Spirit has taken years and I’m always working on more things. This detox/cleanse process has only been one small moment of personal growth. This is what I’m doing right now …

Sitting on my bed. I’m only wearing a pair of panties. I have my hair up all crazy. I’m sitting in the dark with my laptop resting on my knees while I’m leaning against my wall. I have my earphones on, playing 90’s r&b.

Yup, that’s right!

Doing this is part of the process. While I’m writing this blog, I’m thinking about the music that’s playing and I’m processing more of my past and facing my fears. It’s interesting.

What I’m saying is that every moment can be used as a way to empower yourself. We all live busy lives. People say it’s difficult to “find time.” But I don’t buy it! We have the power to change our routines. What we know as time was human made! We have the ability to move things around, stop doing things that hinder us and start new things. Yeah it’s harder then shit to do, but we can do it! We’re the only ones who are responsible for our lives. I learned that a long time ago. I cannot make choices based on what others need. I cannot live a certain way just because someone wants me to live that way. Yeah, I’ll compromise, of course, but I’ll be damned if someone tells me I cannot have my meditation time every day; sometimes twice a day. I don’t care where I am or who I’m with; if I feel the need to step away and center myself, I will. We all have that choice! We all have the power to do that.

So … stop making excuses … stop telling yourself you “can’t” … figure out what you really need in life and keep it in your life … change what you don’t like … try something new … if you’re scared, ask yourself why then encourage yourself that whatever the reason is isn’t stronger than your will power, and you have the strength to get through the fear … Forgive those who will never say “I’m sorry” … Reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in years … Call your mother, father, aunty, grandparent, sibling, cousin, best friend, neighbor …  Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you love yourself in the process! That’s most important, my friends!

The one thing about expectations and hope is that one gets disappointed quite easily!

Disappointment doesn’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling about this whole experience. Let’s start with the 48-hour Dr. Oz Cleanse

Quinoa with prunes

            Maybe it was simply because I didn’t enjoy the texture, but I was not satisfied with this breakfast. It called for ginger root and I quickly realized I’m not a big fan of the taste. In fact, ginger root is probably now on my top-five list of tastes I do not like. This breakfast did have, however, something I enjoyed. I’ve never had Flaxseed Oil. I have never even heard of it before. I like it. I’ve added it to many other meals in the past week. Other than that, I didn’t like this meal. Quinoa is not a good oatmeal replacement, in my opinion.

Kale, Pineapple and Ginger Detox Drink (Juicer required)

            I did this without the ginger, of course. It was only kale and pineapple. It didn’t taste too good. I don’t know why, though. I love pineapple and I’ve learned to enjoy kale in the last week. But the two flavors together just didn’t do too well together.

Pineapple, Lemon and Pomegranate Blend-Free Detox Drink

            Now, this is only a drink but I absolutely loved it! This is something I will continue to make, for sure. This is simply a combination of juices and these three fruits do very well together.

Fruit Smoothie

            Well, one cannot really go wrong with a smoothie, right? I wish I had more fruit to make different blends, but I only got what was on the shopping list for this particular 48 hours. Smoothies and juicing will be, indeed, something I do more of in the future. I just have to find combinations that I like.

Vegetable Broth Soup

            I did enjoy this simple soup broth. It called for a lot of cabbage and other veggies. The one thing that I liked the most about this meal was that the recipe called for paprika – and a lot of it. The flavor that the paprika made mixed with the cabbage was delicious. Furthermore, this recipe called for fennel bulb. This is another ingredient that I had no idea what it was. I had to ask my friend what it looked like before I went shopping. Well, this is one ingredient, like the ginger, that I do not like. People say it tastes like celery, but no! Not even a little bit. It had the same exact texture and consistency of celery, but the taste was more like black licorice. YUCK!

The Body’s Detox System

According to the website, this cleanse was supposed to clean out the liver, the kidneys and the colon. Well, I beg to differ! It even said that while doing this cleanse, one would use the restroom quite often. The feces would be solid, but soft. Well, as you may already know, I’ve suffered from hemorrhoids for many years. I was looking forward to having a softer stole. While, I will agree that my stole was softer, I didn’t use the restroom any more often then usual. Actually, I might have gone less then usual since I haven’t had coffee in the mornings.

Other things about 48-hour Dr. Oz Cleanse

            I was extremely tired for three days. I had a headache and I was cranky. I also stopped smoking cigarettes the day before I started this cleanse, so I’m sure that had something to do with it. Even though I did enjoy some of the meals and I did get many ideas, on a scale of 1-10, I give this a 6. I wasn’t completely disappointed, but it was nowhere near what I was expecting. There’s another lesson learned, I guess … Don’t have expectations because I will be disappointed, right? SUCK!

Blue & Black Cohosh

As you may or may not know, I used the cohosh as a way to induce bleeding. I started taking the cohosh on August 8. That’s 10 days ago. The first two days I did a few drops each under the tongue about three times a day. After that, I upped it to four times a day and did about 8 drops each. This mixture, I put into a cup and added just a little bit of water because the taste of the cohosh is awful. I did this for a week. Just yesterday, I stopped because nothing was happening. For two days, I started cramping but then it went away. My boobs hurt for a while too, but it went away. I have, however, noticed that my vaginal discharge and smell is different. Not bad different, just different. That can also be associated with the food change though – I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t bleed, spot or anything but cramp. I’ve decided to call my doctor tomorrow and ask her what other options I have. She’s a naturalist so it’ll be nice to get her opinion about what I’ve already done and what else I can do. I swear, I need to bleed. I need to shed the 20 years of blood collection!!! I’m scared because I don’t want to take birth control and pump my body with a bunch of hormones. So, we’ll see what my doctor says tomorrow.

7-day Detox Miracle Book

            Even though I didn’t do the entire process, I did mix and match the recipes. The reason I did this was that I wanted to continue eating detox-type foods. I was extremely satisfied with the recipes I tried. For example, baked falafels are awesome! Using a food processor was awesome too, and I will continue to do this for many meals in the future. This book has so many amazing ideas in it and I have dog-eared many pages. One extra ritual I have added to my process is dry-skin brushing. I bought a skin brush, I’ve done the process two times already, and I enjoy it a lot. My skin feels great. I’m very satisfied with this book. I suggest if you’re thinking about any form of detox or cleanse, pick this book up and enjoy!

Not smoking

            I’ve been craving a cigarette for two days now. Today wasn’t that bad, but yesterday and the day before was horrible. I was getting cold sweats, racing heart and the shakes. Now, I’m just missing it. This is the problem. I enjoy smoking. But, I know if I am going to accomplish all that I want to accomplish in life, I cannot be a smoker. I purposely secluded myself and hermit(ed) myself because I knew my attitude wasn’t going to be pleasant. Yesterday was the first time I left the house in over a week. Today was the first time I cleaned house and kept active all day. There was no way I would have been a happy camper if I would have done something stressful or over stimulating while I was trying to quite smoking. Overall, I’m doing well with it.

Overall

            I’ve shared a lot of my feelings about the Dr. Oz cleanse and honestly, even though I did enjoy a couple of the meals, I’m disappointed with it. What upsets me the most is that I spent all of my food money on this and 1) I had to throw out much of my vegetables before I could really enjoy them because they went bad. 2) I wish I would have bought more frozen fruits. And 3) I’m concerned about what I’m going to eat for the rest of the month because I’m out of EBT money and very short on cash. The other day I was so irritated about my food intake and prep time that I ordered a pizza (only $8 with a coupon – hooray). It was thin crust with olive and mushrooms. Not the healthiest thing, but damn it, I was hungry and I didn’t want to spend an hour preparing a meal. I’m seriously pretty lazy and I’m actually kind of surprised I prepared as much food as I did. There was something amazing about it and I did, very much, enjoy doing it – sometimes. I don’t see myself doing it on a daily basis though. But, now I know. This is the first time I’ve ever tired something like this and it’s going to be amazing to try new things in the future. I’m sticking to it. I will change my lifestyle and my food intake. However, I’m still going to eat pizza, chocolate and pop corn. I’m still going to be lazy. I’m still going to enjoy sitting on my ass all day playing video games (I did that a lot in the last week – and I will continue to do it while I’m on vacation).

            I have another month of vacation before I go back to school. There is very little on my calendar and I have very little interest inn doing much. There is a couple of road trips I’ll be taking with my friends, but that’s it. After the past year of my life, I needed a vacation. Mindfully vacate! I have a few meals left that I will just have to make work. I know I can go over to my friends house and take things out of her cupboard, so I won’t starve. My mom even said she was going to send me a few bucks. Oh, my mom! I’m so upset that she hasn’t visited. Then again, the main purpose of her to visit was to help me while I was bleeding. I never bled, so it’s probably for the best. She may visit me in September but I don’t know. I swear, she’ll be here for Christmas! Actually, I really hope I get to see her again before I leave for Haiti, but that’s in December. There’s plenty of time to figure something out.

            Another interesting thing about this whole process is my idea to not shave. My legs and armpits are beyond fuzzy – and I love it. I haven’t worn deodorant either, so I smell pretty bad. It brings me joy though. For some reason, I find comfort in my natural smells. I won’t shave for quite a long time and I’m looking forward to it. The skin brushing has been a beautiful addition to everything and there’s another external body cleanse I will try after I treat my hair next week. Oh! That’s one thing I haven’t talked about at all throughout this blog — my dreads — But I will save that for another time =)

            What else? I don’t think I missed anything … so I’m going to use the remainder of this blog post as something for the reader. Ordering the pizza was the only thing — OH NO, WAIT — I did eat a lot of cereal one evening. It was dry, but it was nowhere near healthy. It was about 1 in the morning and I sat in the spare bedroom, watching a movie, eating fruity pebbles. As I was eating it, I knew it was out of habit and I was binging. I was disgusted with myself, but I just kept on eating it until I felt like I was going to puke. I didn’t puke, but I was miserable after. Anyways, even though the pizza and cereal were the only two things I ate that were not healthy or beneficial for the detox/cleanse, I think I did well. Even though I am disappointed with the overall outcome of everything that I’ve done in the last 10 days, I think I did well. I believe that any one of you can accomplish a cleanse too. Like I mentioned, I have another month of vacation and I’m going to try different things to cleanse my body. Seriously, if I can do it, you can do it (and no, I didn’t do it perfect, but nobody is perfect, right?). You can change anything to make it suitable for you. We, as individual beings, need to be responsible for what we eat, drink and expose ourselves to. It’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves. This experience has taught me a lot about myself. I highly HIGHLY suggest that everyone, male or female, take upon the task of cleansing. It’s an introduction to ones body, really. We’ve been so conditioned to eat fast food and processed foods because it’s easier and quicker. But the foods we eat aren’t good for the human body. Obesity is an overwhelming reality in America and I refuse to be a part of it. Yeah, I may be “overweight,” but I’m not unhealthy. I think more and more people need to be aware of their intake because this so-called food we’re eating is killing us. Things like high blood pressure and diabetes are most likely caused by the food one eats. Someone who drinks a 2-liter of soda every day will eventually get sick and be put on “medication” that causes liver failure or heart attack. It’s ridicules! So, I’m telling you, the reader, that you have the power to take care of your body. You have the strength to change your food intake. You can do it! You will do it if you want to. I seriously hope my experience will give someone (or someones) the strength and courage to do something that benefits their life. Of course, you don’t have to do it exactly like me, no no no! I’m only a vessel of experiences and I’m sharing that experience with you. Take what you will from it. I just hope my words help not hinder.

            Many Blessings!