My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

HUMAN RIGHTS: A fight worth fighting for

Let’s get one thing straight. This message comes from a place that, I have faith, many people can – and do – comprehend. It comes from that place deep down inside of us. When we have internal dialog with ourselves – you know – our thought process. That’s where this is coming from. Except, it’s not that shallow … I’m going to take it deeper – way deeper – because this specific message is a collective of many things. This message isn’t just from my personal thought process. It’s from yours, too.

Society is fucked up! We can all agree with this, right? We can agree that while some of us are enjoying a hot meal, with no thought of where it came from or how lucky we are to eat it, others are having a hard time finding enough food to nourish their bodies. As some of us are buying new electronics and disposing of old electronics as if it’s no big deal, others are having to recycle those electronics in ways that are harmful to us, and the entire atmosphere. As some of us are running our heaters to keep warm, others are suffering with sleeping outside. As some of us are resting in the comfort of our own homes, with our families, others are walking the streets and fighting against a cause.

My point is that human perspectives are unique. We all experience life differently and we all have a story. We’re all entitled to our opinions, our desires, and our passions. Every single one of us has the individual right to do whatever we decide to do. It’s always a decision. Every one of us can – and should – follow our dreams. Does it seem weird to others? So what?! Are you afraid of rejection?! Get over it! Is there an overwhelming feeling of confusion or direction?! Ignore that and just take a step! The journey is unknown, but we’ll never figure out what life is about if we don’t take that step.

From recent discussions I have had with a multitude of people, it seems that many are living life in fear. Life for them is scary. I’ve talked to young ladies (of all ethnicities) who are scared to speak their mind because they feel society doesn’t want to listen to them. I’ve heard the concerns of young black men who are terrified to be involved in a traffic violation because they fear they will be violated, disrespected, wrongly accused , and killed by the cops. I listened to the confessions of older white women who are scared for their own lives because they’re lost in the FoxNewsWorld and believe the TVLies. I have read countless blogs and underground freedom writing that focuses on the fight against this fear. I have encountered people who, regardless of their cultural backgrounds, respect and understand how important it is to work together – now, more than ever.

And … This is where my message comes in! …

We need to stop fighting against each other and start working on strengthening our connection as a People. I have a perspective that will help you. You have knowledge that I need. Why can’t we share with each other? Why does it have to be awkward? What are you afraid of? How long do we have to wait to get to know each other before we can discuss our passions for life? Is it really a bad thing when I cry? Why haven’t you cried? Oh, can we cry together? Are you capable of that? How about a hug that lasted more than three seconds? Do you know what that feels like?

Yes! I ask these questions directly to you – the reader! Answer them! – Shit! Comment on this blog and answer them. Let’s have a conversation about this. Can’t do it?! Why not?! What’s stopping you from expressing your thoughts, passions, fears, and concerns? What’s stopping you from sharing your desires, hopes, and dreams? The more we talk about it, the more we can create stronger connections by providing our knowledge to each other. Every time we share a story about anything, we plant a seed in the mind of the listener. Every time we vocalize our thoughts, we go through a different thought process, which allows us to strengthen our original thoughts.

If you try to tell me that you don’t want this; you’re a liar! I don’t believe you! There’s no fucking way I feel this passionate about it and it’s only me who’s feeling it. I’ll be damned if I believe there are only a few, small groups who think like this. I refuse to believe our thoughts aren’t increasing in activities in our daily lives. Have you noticed it?

Really, I’m not joking. Ask yourself … Have my thoughts gotten more extreme or excessive in the last couple of years … Have I experienced something that caused me to change my belief structure, which probably in turn, changed or rushed my thought process – and maybe even actions? Has any of that happened to you yet? If you said yes, welcome to the enlightened stage!

This is only part of the journey, too. It’s all part of the process. Some sentient beings are connecting with others without even knowing it. The messages are there all the time. Only those who are listening receive them. Are you paying attention? Do you hear that inner voice of yours? Do you listen to it? Do you follow the advice it gives you? If not, I suggest you do. That voice, the basic dialog we have with ourselves, is essential to a happy life. Do you ever get a twinge in your inner core that guides you somewhere? That’s the same power as the voices.

Let me clarify something, too. Don’t you dare judge me for saying I listen to the voices in my head. They’re there for a reason. They’re there to guide me. They’re there to teach me. What is your inner voice teaching you? Before you try to tell me that I’m crazy because I admit to having a full conversation with my inner voice, why not listen to your own inner voice and find your own truth. I have found my truth. I have found who I am. I know my calling in life. Can you say the same about yourself? I sure hope you can!

Again, let me clarify. I am not coming from a place of judgment or a place that signifies that I’m better than anyone else. That just ain’t me – never has been! I’m coming from a place of struggle, fear, fights, understanding, compassion, and personal growth. You can go back to some of my previous blogs and learn where I’m coming from. I’ve shared my story. I’ve accepted my story. I love my story.

The messages: I am fighting the fight for a better tomorrow. I am fighting the fight for internal dialog, outside influences, and social titles that don’t mean anything. Yes, I am struggling in life. However, I am honest, real, vocal, passionate, powerful, strong, and ready to continue struggling because it’s who I am supposed to be. You don’t have to understand me on the level to which I understand myself. I don’t need to understand you on that level either. But, the one thing I do believe will make our experience stronger is by sharing life together. I’ve learned that I cannot do things by myself; I’ve tried; it doesn’t work.

I’m officially asking if you have tapped into your own internal dialog on the level that allowed you to understand your own fears, passions, and desires. I’m asking if you’re willing to share my journey. I’m asking if you’d join me, please! I need you!