My Dreams and Desires come with High Expectations of Myself

It’s been a confusing adventure since graduating with my bachelors degree in June 2014. I’ve been homeless for over a year now. Yes, I had places to stay, and I was not on the streets for long. I did have support. I did have people who took me in. Honestly, I believe that while I was on this homeless adventure, I cashed in on karma points I racked up over the four years I lived in Oregon. I helped many people with no expectation or desire to be paid back for any of it. I helped people because they needed it and in turn, people helped me when I needed it. The thing is, however, I find myself upset about recent activities in my life. I find myself feeling as if someone owes me something, but I also know that isn’t true. I find myself with much hostility and a little give a damn. I find myself working through another cycle of PTSD because I trusted the wrong people once again, and I’m back on my homeless adventure.

I’m focusing my energy on what I need to accomplish now. I can’t have the sorrows of others becoming my own sorrows again. I was almost stuck in a situation that would have been very difficult to live with. I was uncomfortable, which encouraged me to focus on change; I was manifesting change, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick. In the last year, it seems that as soon as I trusted my environment and found some comfort, I had to pack up quickly and move on to another place. Realizing all the quick changes, I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason, and I will continue to make my choices based on intuition. My intuitive nature has gotten me out of many potentially bad experiences. Yes, it has a lot to do with my choices toward the negative energy I have encountered, and maybe a part of me regrets reacting the way I did. Then again, when I look at it from all angles, I think that where I am and where I’m heading is exactly where I need to be.

Am I following my heart? Absolutely!

To me, going full circle means recognizing the past and present as a combined force that creates the future. As soon as I land my feet back in the Bay Area, I will consider my life to have taken a full circle. Okay, of course, things can always change and nobody really knows what the future holds. Nonetheless, I know that where I’m heading next is because I have visited and accepted my past. I started writing my memoirs during my senior year, and the PTSD and healing that came from that has strengthened my mind, body, and soul. Now, it’s time for me to focus on what I need to do to succeed for my future. All that matters right now is my future, which is not planned, but it is fated with passion and desire. It’s amazing to think that the book I wrote my senior year is the same book that got me back in contact with my man. I have a lot of research to do. I have plenty of things to find out. With all that I need to do, I have high expectations of myself, and I have faith that I will accomplish my dreams.

My dreams are big, my desires are strong, and my passion is empowering. The trauma I’ve experienced in my past is nothing more than pieces of the puzzle. Visiting my past has encouraged me to write my memoirs, which will be published soon. Accepting my past gave me strength to reach out to an old friend and lover. That old friend and lover is now the man I have chosen to plan my future with. He’s the memory from my past that takes up the majority of my book. He is my best friend, my partner, and my rock. As I said, my future is not planned, but with him by my side, it will be lived with much laughter, trust, and honor. Combining my past with my present has been a journey I will never forget; it’s in hundreds of hand-written letters. I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found me. What I will do with all of it is unsure, but becoming an author has been a long time dream. So, my standards are set for my success and with that success will come many more conversations about my passion for life and the importance of happiness.

Enacted Desires

This was written during one of the nights I processed through much heartache. This particular piece was produced through the thoughts of how difficult it is to live, and love as an empath. I easily get confused by which thoughts are mine and which aren’t when it gets to this point. I tend to make choices based on these thoughts, but then forgetting I may be acting out of desire, and not fact … Many people tend to leave when this happens …

Many believe that desire is suffrage … I do not agree … If the desire that this poem portrays is considered suffering, I need to come up with another word for suffer because these desires are the very things that motivate me. If it wasn’t for these desires, I wouldn’t move. If it wasn’t for these desires, I wouldn’t change. If I am to believe that desire is a form of suffering, I would then have to believe that my motivation is suffering me too.

*Twitch* does not compute … My point is … Desire, passion, and emotion in general is all that encompasses me. If these things are the things that … For lack of a better phrase … Make me suffer … Ick! Not playing the victim, here … But really, if my entire being is encompassed by the things people consider to be suffering from, I think it’s healthy for me to desire a partner who can ease those emotions. When I find someone who does that, I fall in love, in some kind of way.

I pick up, and recycle energy all the time. I do it by choice, yes! Sometimes When I go to recycle it, funny things happen to me. The personal growth that came with this poem is definitely one of the happiest, funny things since I started recycling energy on a healthier level. Then, sometimes love gets the best of me, and i forget who’s energy is who’s. It sucks when that happens …

But here is one of my poems … Enacted Desires …

The thought of …

… Your bare chest against my back

Leaves me to rest my heavy head on your shoulder

… Your muscular arms wrapped around my body

Leaves me to release my overworked empathic shield into your embrace

… Your strong base grinding against my ass

Leaves me to exhale my exotic words into your ear

… Your sturdy limbs intertwined with my limbs

Leaves me to feel blessed in our web of secrets

The desires of …

… You softly whispering “Hello” in my ear

Leaves me to say “I love you”

… You unknowingly giving sensation to my body

Leaves me to move with approval

… You unexpectedly sharing insight to my soul

Leaves me to smile with enthusiasm

… You continuously releasing energy into my spirit

Leaves me to cry with gratitude

Things are brighter now, because …

… You are my surprise safe place

I wish you knew me

… You are my every desired thought

I pray you hear me

… You are my single worst fear

I trust you love me

… You are my late night dream

I hope you see me